Black Bean Burgers

Tonight was another one that didn't lend much time for cooking--but it lent enough for these black bean burgers.

Ingredients:

2 cups cooked, rinsed black beans
1 cup brown rice (cooked)
1 small zucchini
1 onion

1) Dice onions and zucchini and sauté together in olive oil

2) Add black beans and cook for 6ish minutes

3) Blend about 2/3 of mixture, then add back to pan

4) Add rice, then allow to sit for 10 minutes

5) Make 8 patties, and cook in small amount of olive oil (4ish minutes on each side)

6) Add some cheese if you want (we did)/Carey liked it with some dijon mustard.

The Good:

Super cheap
Only four-five ingredients
Fairly simple instructions
Pretty tasty
Doesn't require ANY spices
Healthy/High Protein


The Bad:

Before we put cheese on they were a little crumbly
Took a little longer to put it all together than I'd like
Burned easily

"Egg Muffins"

So today marked the start of my little project.

Got home from school after six, which I knew would happen, so for today I had planned something stupidly simple.

I'm calling them "egg muffins."

Basically, you lay down a layer of turkey sandwich meat in muffin tins, then add scrambled eggs and cheese.

Pros:

High Protein
Easy
Cheap
Quick

Cons:

Boring
Would get old fast

The Foods

Being a young, newly-married means learning a lot of new things (at least it has for me).

Carey and I got married about a year ago, and have since learned all about paying bills, grocery shopping, car insurance, credit cards, car repairs, laundry, budgeting, hospitality, juggling school/marriage/house cleaning/work....

But something that I really haven't mastered is keeping our meals interesting/different. I tend to make the same sort of foods over and over. Thankfully, my husband is a saint and never complains. But that doesn't keep me from wanting to improve. 

So lately I've been meal planning (which helps a lot with grocery shopping and budgeting). But instead of just making what I know how to make, I've started to find new recipes to add to each meal plan. It's been a lot of fun, tasted great, and made me feel hope in the cooking department (and has made Pinterest actually useful for once!).

Why I'm explaining all of this is because what I'd like to do, for fun and for motivation, is to kind of keep a log on here of what I've tried, what works, what was horrible, etc.

Follow along with my little summer project if you'd like. :)

This next two weeks I'll be attempting:

Black Bean Burgers

Stromboli with Cauliflower Crust

Kale Parmesan Gnocchi Soup 

Kale Chickpea Garlic Salad

Grilled Pineapple and Sriracha Chicken salad

"Best Chicken"

Crockpot Tacos

Chicken and Quinoa Lettuce Wraps

Paleo Lemon Bars

Fruit and Yogurt Popsicles 

and some Turkey/Egg Muffin thing

When my heart hurts the most is usually when I'm growing the most, and turning into who I'm supposed to be . . . 

A lesson that can only be learned the hard and painful way.

How To: Become a Folk Music Convert

Wonderful Recent Folk Finds

(check them out . . . even if you don't think you like folk . . . you may be surprised)

1) Alt-J, is a newish band from Leeds, England. They're "Indie-rock/Psychedelic folk." The sound of their new album, An Awesome Wave, has an excellently original sound to it. I've never heard a band like them, and so, I've been listening to their fabulous art on repeat for weeks! Personal favorites from the album are "Breezeblocks" and "Fitzpleasure" (although, the entire album is growing on me more as I listen to it more thoroughly, which means it's getting harder to choose favorites).

2) The Dave Matthews Band's new CD, Away From The World, has been a completely un-regretted folk rock purchase. I have fallen in love with almost every song on the album, one by one; it is an absolutely beautiful album. Personal favorites from the album are "Sweet," "The Riff,"and "If Only."

3) Of Monsters and Men, who describe themselves as "folkie pop" came out with a really great album called My Head Is An Animal recently, filled with lovely little folky songs that are both pleasant and fun. The most common song that you've probably heard on the radio is called "Little Talks." Highly recommend. Personal favorites from the album are "From Finner," "Dirty Paws," and "Numb Bears."

4) Fleet Foxes, though not "recently" acquired, is a fabulous band! I highly recommend their second album, which, simply enough, is called Fleet Foxes. For a sad, raw, and simplistic folk sound, they are perfect. Personal favorites from the album are "Meadowlarks," "Your Protector," and "White Winter Hymnal."

5) The Avett Brothers' new "indie folk pop" album, The Carpenter; if you have any Avett Brother fans within your circle of friends (I know I've got a whole herd of them), then you're bound to have heard about it already. It's wonderful. I'm not even a big Avett Brothers fan, but this album is quite nice and definitely worth listening to! Personal favorite songs from the album are "February Seven,"and "Live and Die."

Other Folk(ish) bands to check out and destroy any stigma the genre may have include:

Nickel Creek

Phillip Phillips

Sleepy Eyed Fox

The Vespers

The Weepies

William Fitzsimmons

Angus and Julia Stone

Too Bad This Can't Be Habit

Today I . . .

Skipped school

Called out of work

Slept until noon

Watched Where The Wild Things Are

Oh . . . and Washed my face with toothpaste.

What a good day. :)

The Indecision of a Busy Soul

      The world is so vast; all of the things we could learn are unbelievable. But how much of it do we actually take the time to learn and discover?

     I never really cared before about all of the things that I could learn--probably because I was lazy. But the last few weeks I have felt suffocated; there is so much that I want to do and so much that I want to learn. Right now I'm a full time student, who works 25-35 hours a week, and sometimes I feel like the world is trying to steal my life from me, or reduce its quality somehow. I don't have enough time for . . . anything, it seems. I don't feel like I can put 100% into anything that I'm doing because I'm spread so thin. But I really want to! And I'm really trying to . . . and somehow I've convinced myself that I can--that it's just going to take a little more time (you know, that thing I don't seem to have?).

     Even the subjects that I'm taking beg to be examined closer, to be embraced and appreciated and understood. As I sat at Taco Bell, doing my Chemistry homework and filling out my lab book, I wished I could really take the time to grasp the concepts while I also longed to be studying French. As I sat in French class this morning I wished I had time to practice piano. As I go to work in a few minutes, I wish I could be reading my American Popular Culture, and writing down my thoughts about the articles I've had to read.

     The point is, there is so much that I want to do and that I want to learn, and it's so frusterating that I don't actually have the time. But, disturbingly, the busyness is also giving me somewhat of a high. There is something about it that I just love and hate ever being away from. It feels so purposeful and right.

      This is absolutely one of the strongest love/hate relationships that I have experienced.

I think about quitting my job--but there's something about work that's so fulfulling and good.

I think about graduation in the spring and think, "No! I want to take all of these classes! I want to learn more! I don't want to stop. I don't want to be bored."

      I don't know what to think, really. I'm not sure how to wrap my brain around the present and get all from it that I can. But that's just it--that's what I need to do. The most fulfilling thing that I can do is to focus on the now and get the most out of it that I can instead of dwelling on the things that I can't do.

     But those things sound so wonderful . . . .

The God-shaped Hole.

Ever since sin entered the world, we humans have been trying to fill the God-shaped hole in our hearts with so many things other than God. We're trying to make ourselves happy. We try to bring ourselves joy and fulfillment by worshipping jobs, money, entertainment, nature, family, friends, hobbies, significant others, beauty, fitness, life goals, clothes, homes, education . . . . but idols are powerless and harmful--they will never bring us true or lasting joy.

One of the most significant idols that I personally struggle with every day is my relationships. My need to be loved and accepted by everyone around me is unbelievably disgusting. I feel justified in moping when I don't get enough attention, or in being angry if someone doesn't treat me "the way that I 'deserve.'" And then, if someone does pay attention to me, or show me some sign of loving me, all of the sudden I'm momentarily on cloud 9.

My joy, or should I say happiness, relies on my relationships--they are an idol. They are something I am trying to give a job to that only God can truly accomplish.

What I've been realizing lately though, is that not only am I breaking God's commandment to have NO other gods besides Him, I'm also placing unreachable and unfair expectations onto my friends, family and significant other.

I've been thinking that it's their responsibility to make me happy. (Basically I was convinced that the world was centered around me.)

But God has been showing me how wrong I am, and how unfair I have been being in my relationships. If I would place God at the very center of my life, relying completely on Him to provide for me and fill my heart with joy (He is the only one who can fill that God-shaped hole after all, right?). . . then not only would it be more fair to the people in my life, it would also be a blessing to them; I could bring my God-given joy into their lives and bless, encourage, and be there for them, instead of relying on them to give me joy and to bless me.

It's going to be a radical change for me; I'm such a disgustingly self-centered creature. I'm so glad that God is helping me to see it though, and I am praying that He will help me to truly change.

My Best Friend

      This week has been a very difficult one; the best way to describe how I feel right now is emotionally and physically limp.

     I've done some very sinful and stupid things this week, I've been let down by people that I rely on, I've made a lot of mistakes, I've been overwhelmed by work, and, I've ruined a lot of peoples' meals . . .

      But if there is one thing to remember it's that God is awesome; He loves me, despite my putrid heart, and He's taking care of me always, especially when things get tough. God is constantly by my side, even when people aren't. And all of this should fill my heart with joy and peace. Even though I felt all week like I was ruining everything and like my life was falling apart, God had everything under control, it's okay that I didn't and don't and never really will, because my best friend will always forgive my sins and always be here to take care of me and love me. =')

In the World, But Not of It.

      I attend a secular college where professors and students alike continually test my personal beliefs with what they say and what they do.

      I work at a restaurant where people swear continually, praise drunkenness and partying, and rale angrily about their guests.

      Constantly I'm surrounded by the world. Day after day Satan tries to make me think that sin isn't so bad, sometimes not bad at all. I guess it's easier and easier to give into that mindset after being desensitized by disgusting speech, sex-saturated society, bad attitudes all around, drunkenness being praised, etc. But the world idolizes . . . everything--praising sin and looking down upon those who stand up for what is right.

      But if we're actually growing closer to God, getting to know him more and becoming more like Christ, these things of the world, this sinfulness, should be becoming more and more grotesque to us, not more acceptable: "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" (Romans 12:2). We should be grieved; but I'm afraid, instead, many of us start to embrace these things ourselves, annoyed with all of the people (brothers and sisters in Christ) who are "judging us" for participating in certain things.

"When a man is getting better he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him. When a man is getting worse, he understands his badness less and less. A moderately bad man knows he is not very good: a thoroughly bad man thinks he is all right."

-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

      But where does the Bible say not to swear? Where does the Bible say not to do drugs? And well, maybe the Bible says somewhere not to get drunk, but I don't think it really meant it . . . people just need to stop be legalistic!

      But God calls us to be completely different from the world. We are supposed to stand out--if we don't stand out, if we're living the same lives as the world around us, what exactly is it that makes us believe that we're Christians? Just because we believe that God exists? Just because we believe that God loves us? While faith is extremely important, our actions matter too!

Here are some things that God has to say about the world and how we are to relate to it and such:

"I will punish the world for its evil, the wicked for their sins."

Isaiah 13:11

"The wisdom of this world is foolishness in God's sight."

1 Corinthians 3:19

"If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight reign on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is useless. Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

James 1:26-27

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven."

Matthew 7:21

"You are the salt of the earth. But if salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on a stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

Matthew 5:13-16

"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world--the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does--comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever."

1 John 2:15-17

      Anyway. All of this has been on my heart more and more lately. I see my own morals slipping and I find myself forgetting why I ever had a problem with certain things, or trying to convince myself that they aren't wrong. I also have witnessed many dear friends seem to lose the convictions that they once held and slowly slip into sin.

      It breaks my heart, and I know it doesn't please God. So I'm sorry about all of the rambling, but please do look at your heart and examine yourself honestly. I know that I needed a wake up call; we have eternity before us and an awesome God to serve.

"If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world. That is why the world hates you."

John 15:19

The Beautiful Things

     It's a sort of eerie, heart sickening feel--you know the one where your heart literally aches? 


     That's the way change makes me feel.


     I feel like I've already written about this? It's kind of a big thing for me I guess. I just don't know how to wrap my brain around it. I don't want it, but I can't stop it. I need it. My life must move forward.


     I know that good comes of change. You grow as a person, learn lessons and experience new things. As Christians we're sanctified and made more like Christ with time. I can look back on my life and honestly say that all of the changes I've had to go through so far have only turned out for the good. But that doesn't mean that it isn't almost always painful and sad when you realize that change is coming or has come. 


     Sometimes it's hard not to look back on my past and long for my life to be what it once was. For friendships to be the way they were, to be able to re-feel things that I once felt, to go back to those places that I loved, for certain habits with friends to be the same again, for the presence of certain people or things that I've lost to come back, for the simplicity that I think I remember there being to once more exist. While there were many, many beautiful things in my past, I tend to romanticize it and forget about the terrible, disgusting things that I have left behind as well. Sometimes, I think, for new and better things to come we have to let go of the old things. 


     I need to remember that if I went back to the way things were, then it wouldn't be the way it is now--and the way it is now is amazing; although the past was beautiful, the present is so much better. If I still had all of the exact same friendships and habits and feelings, then I wouldn't have room in my heart and life for what I have now. I need to remember all of the sin and wickedness and hurt left in the past and recognize that my life is the way that God wants it to be. 


     And right now my heart is beginning to hurt like crazy because I know things are changing again . . . I really just need to embrace it, even if it does make me sad for a little bit, because every phase of my life seems to be more beautiful than the last, and that's something to be excited about. Change is something to marvel at, even if sometimes that marveling includes dread and fear at first.


"I noticed tonight that the world has been turning . . . though I know I said I wouldn't leave you behind, but I have to go, it breaks my heart to say that I can't stop now . . ."
Keane--Can't Stop Now

Machete Memoirs

Friday, May 11, 2012


Day 1

So . . . today Caitlin and I started out our awesome sister road trip. We are on our way to Arizona from Tennessee. Not really sure why we decided to come on this road trip--but I think it's pretty hardcore.

We left this morning at 6:30ish after saying goodbye and all that to the family. Doesn't sound that interesting, but having your dad say things like, "I packed a little tool kit for you guys . . . and a knife . . . and some machetes" definitely made me feel like a rugged beast! I guess if someone trie to mug us we'll be capable of the proper amount of "fierceness." (Yeah, we have to be fierce.) So that was dad's goodbye. Mom made us freakishly delicious eggs and Gracie was mostly asleep and Onnolee said, "Well, this is going to be one crazy weekend . . . thanks a lot girls. -_-" Very Precious. Heh.

We drove for about 8 hours today, and, ummm . . . I've lost any skills I may have once had at stick shift. We felt pretty dang grown up setting up our own campsite, then we felt like beasts hiking(ish).

Basically, it's been really fun so far. No cell service, haven't killed each other, haven't been mugged or murdered, and . . . ummmmmm . . . the Ozarks are really beautiful! The weather is basically perfect (although we may freeze to DEATH tonight).

We're living off of peanut butter, tuna and oatmeal. (Plus a couple of other essentials like tea.)

Had a little time to talk about some great stuff. Like "love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it isnot self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth. It always hopes, always perseveres . . . the greatest of these is love." I don't think we give love enough credit--it's so complex.

Trying to examine my heart when I tell people that I love them and make sure that I actually do.

Okay, so . . . . that's day 1.

Going to eat my little tuna dinner and make a little fire, then go to sleep so we can travel on in the wee little morning.

-N.

Saturday, May 12, 2012


Day 2

So last night was . . . . . . dramatic.

The sky decided to whimper all freaking night--and, well . . . . I'm a naturally fearful person (very fearful), so it sounded super creepy outside and my little brain was trying to convince me that evil murderers were frolicking around outside the tent, and about to come in for the messy, gruesome kill. I actually was quivering and completely terrified. Cait was really sweet about it though--she braved the evil night to get a machete for protection which kind of made things better (but not really, so we ended up sleeping in the locked car with two machetes in hand).

So, ahem, after our uhh . . .  interesting night without much rest we got up at 7:30, made breakfast (oatmeal, what else?), tried to dry the tent, then loaded everything up, brushed our teeth, and left the Ozarks by 8:30. At about 9 we finally had cell service again. Ha.

Our day was basically filled with a lot of driving. From the Ozarks in Arkansas to Red Rock Canyon in Oklahoma. Because the interstate was lame we decided to take a random highway, which ended up adding a lot of time to the trip, but definitely worth it. OK is so beautiful! My favorite so far on this trip! It's starting to look more and more like AZ, so I'm getting excited.

We got to our campground around 4. Set up the tend and stuff, then went on a little adventure hike thing. It was gorgeous and involved lots of sliding and a little bit of bravery (something Naomi's are low on).

And now we've just been hanging out and stuff. Cait tried to eat mac n cheese, but it made her sick. haha. She's basically bulimic. I won't go into anymore detail about that--for obvious reasons.

Talked to the family briefly on the phone :). Also texted Cary, Apryl, Summer and Hannah--I wish it was easier to share the wonder and excitement -__-. I wish everyone could do this.

Okay, so I know I'm forgetting a lot of great stuff, but really fast, two amusing anecdotes:

"The Trolly Incident"

Caitlin was driving. We just finished going through an extra crap part of Arkansas (Ft. Smith) and finally were in a really cute little downtown area. I think it was historical or something. Anyway. She stops at a red light. I look over, and there is a vicious trolly speeding towards us, threatening our very lives. . . . So she backed up. Doesn't sound too hardcore, but when you liken it to Nell & Dudley-Do-Right then . . . .

And the second also sill not be entertaining to anyone but Cait and me, buuuut:

We went to a little store to get some sustenance and there were a bunch of funner teenagers running the store.
"Are you guys new in town?"
"Oh, no we're just visiting."
"I'm sorry 0_o . . . At Red Rock?"
"Yeah . . ."
"Again, I'm sorry."

Basically, the town is very tiny and seems very poor as well--I suppose not the most exciting place to visit, but not bad to pass through. :)

As a side note. I have not bathed or shaved yet . . . . I feel like a freaking cave woman. Not sure if that helps my toughness, or repels predators. haha.

It's 9:30 in mountain woman time--that means time for bed. We rise and set with the sun . . . kind of. :P

-N.

Sunday, May 13, 2012


Day 3


Well, definitely an interesting day. We got up at 6:00, left by 7:00--same sort of pack up as last time and everything.

Early on in the trip we passed a semi that had gone off the road. The trailer was bent in half (that's the only why I know how to explain it) and the driver's door was open and I think I saw the driver hunched over inside. We called the police and reported it--but it was on my mind and heart for the rest of the day. I still wonder a lot of things.

Also, Cait and I listened to a really good Paul Washer sermon; it was perfect for some things that I've been thinking a lot about lately. Kind of about what Christianity really is and how we're sort of sending people to Hell when we tell them just to pray a prayer and then they're saved--in reality, if their lives aren't changed, they aren't saved. It's hard to sum up . . .

During my half of the driving (we drom from Oklahoma through Texas to New Mexico, by the way.) I had a travel buddy most of the way. :) And during this entire trip we have had a few ongoing . . . no quite "jokes," but basically.

First: "Good Fellow" basically means idiot. (We use it a lot.)

Second: We call semi drivers "The Semi People" and make up ridiculous stories about their heritage--pretty much, they're cooler than the Indians and deserve respect.

So we got to Albuquerque, New Mexico yesterday somewhere around 2:00. We decided to stay in a hotel there because there was nowhere to camp. Best part = shower. The city . . . I hated. At least the part we went to. Very sketch/creepy/crappy. We decided to take a tain to Sante Fe and back (as suggested by Tilly), but because of the time change we accidentally got to the train station an hour early--so we spent time walking around the creepy city--which definitely didn't add any love for it.

The train ride was fun though. And very beautiful. Like 4 hours long, but Sante Fe was a very cool city. I would love to go back there for a visit--I think it was basically a place full of cool art people.

In our hotel room we brought up our little cook stove and tried not to burn the place down. haha.

And then, since we had wifi and stuff we watched New Girl, checked facebook (I know, lame . . . but why not?) and went to be kind of early because, well, we're lazy and tired little travelers. :)

-N.

Monday, May 14, 2012


Day 4


Arizona! :) We left New Mexico at 7 this morning, after packing up our little hotel room, fixing up the car, and eating quasi-breakfast that Days Inn promised us. We crossed the Continental Divide on our way, so we got out to take our stereotypical tourist pictures and buy post cards for all of our adoring fans. Haha. Really though, we have a lot of post cards to write. 0_o

We ended up driving until around noon, when we got to flagstaff. It would have been later, but there was another time change (now we're two hours behind home). Flagstaff was gorgeous! We drove up a mountain thing there for a better view, I think it was called the Snow Bowl or something. We ate lunch up there and took a little adventure trail that was really pretty. After that we drove around town a tiny bit to waste some time.

Before Sedona (which is where we are camping tonight) we bumped into the Oak Creek Canyon Overlook. It was very beautiful and looked over all of Sedona and the rest of this giant, beautiful valley. There were some really friendly New York sounding guys that we talked to a tiny bit--it was nice to bump into someone friendly for a change. People seem to be getting nicer and nicer though for some reason. They all seemed so harsh in the beginning.

So we drove down into the giant valley to our campsite. The location is awesome--the tight quarters aren't so much. It's kind of like we're living in a little neighborhood. Hispanics on one side (three guys), trying to cook and be rugged while still maintaining their jock look. Weird staring people on the other side and across we have very friendly and very . . . very hippyish neighbors. The lady just bathed naked in the creek behind us. Haha. Shouldn't have told her that it would be suitable for washing. :P

Also, down the road from us is an incredible swimming place called Slide Rock, or something like that.

Basically, it was the bottom of a canyon with water flowing through it--but it formed the perfect place ot be--a lot of people were there swimming, cliff (or rock, really) jumping, wading, sunning themselves, etc. Plus, the weather was fantastic.

And after that we drove to the actual town of Sedona to see what it was like and all. And now we are back at the neighborhood place.

A lesson that we have learned, by the way, is never to cheep out on can openers. We have the can opener from . . . well, you know. It's terrible. When this trip is over I am determined to obliterate it. I am also determined to bath in the creek tomorrow . . . only, I'd not do it hippy style if you know what I mean.

Well . . . that's all I think. Wish I could remember more.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


Day 5


Our second day in Sedona and it was wonderful.

We slept in until 8, which was fantastic. :) And then we went off on a little adventure, trying to find a rock from our childhood. We went to Red Rock State Park, or something like that (?). We hiked there for maybe a little over an hour. Then we went back to our campsite for lunch, grabbing some stuff from the store on the way (H2O) and ice cream from McDonald's (which by the way, has a green arch here). Called mom for a tiny bit. I miss my family and Carey a lot. :( Then after lunch we swam at the slide rock again.

After that we decided to bathe in the creek behind our campsite. Where crazy-neighbor-lady went all natural on us. Haha. We were clothes in swimsuits. XP Surprisingly, I felt quit good afterwards--even though there were guys there fishing who were entertaining themselves by watching. -_- Lame.

Then we had dinner and headed off to the actual rock of our childhood for sunset (whilst talking to mom we were able to get the actual location of it).

It was completely beautiful! :) And we made some neat new friends there. An older couple named David and Margie from Maryland, and a sweet little girl named Hayley from Australia. We talked with them all for a long time. We talked about traveling and college majors and life plans and religion and . . . I guess a lot of different things. It was fun getting to ask Hayley about her life in Autralia and being able to tell her about America. As beautiful as the sunset was, it was also kind of sad, because we all left and I will never see any of my new friends again . . . :(

(And this is where I have to pick up where I left off, because I didn't actually finish journaling on our trip -__-)

I went to be freakishly early on day 4. This night though, Cait and I watched a movie on my laptop in our little tent. It was "Our Idiot Brother," and we adored it. It was kind of nice to stay up a little later for a change.

-N.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


Day 6


Grand Canyon Day!! :D We get up at 6 and left by 7, starting out our long driving first to Lake Powell in Utah, then to the Grand Canyon.

It was a fun day. The driving was pretty boring for the most part though. The landscape was so bleak and boring . . . and hot. And for some reason unknown to us people seemed to think it was fun (?) to bike around in the middle of the desert. It was actually pretty dangerous cause our speed limit was like 75 mph and there was no shoulder. At one point we had to slam on our breaks because there were bikers way too close to the road and drivers coming from the other direction, so we wouldn't have had room to move over for them. That was a little frustrating (more so for Cait than for me . . . probably because I wasn't driving at that point :P).

The pretty part of the drive was going through this area where the sand was different colors. I thought it was pretty fantastic. :)

When we got to Lake Powell I have to admit that I was a little . . . unimpressed. It was beautiful, but having to pay a $15 entrance fee may have killed the joy a little bit for me. Besides, it was just water and a LOT of hot sand. There wasn't really anything to do there, actually. So we ended up laying out for an hour and then leaving. But it was alright because we had the Grand Canyon to look forward to! :)

We got to our campsite sometime in the afternoon. I think it was probably around 2:30 or 3:00. We camped AT the Grand Canyon, which I thought was pretty cool.

Set up camp, maybe ate something (?), and then walked to the closest overlook. It was fantastic and overwhelmingly vast and beautiful. There aren't really words to properly describe it. The crazy part about it is that God is so much deeper and greater and more beautiful. It was important to worship the Creator rather than the creation for sure.

There were people from all around the world there. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but throughout our little journey there were people from all around the world (especially in Sedona and at the GC), which was so fun. I loved listening to all of their accents. :) Germans and Spaniards and Chinese and Australians and . . . a lot of others. I loved that.

After a while of Canyon viewing we headed back to our little campsite. When we got back an evil crow had ripped apart our garbage and spread it around the site. A crow. -_- Creepy. Also a little funny. I assumed at the time that it was a dog, but realized the next day that is was definitely the crow.

So after dinner we needed to wash our dishes, and for once there was actually a dish-washing-station, which was a huge step up from washing things with shampoo, bottled water, and paper towels. (No, we didn't plan for dish washing well at all :P). But this time we had finally gone to the store and purchased dish soap. So we met some fun people at the dish washing area who loaned a sponge (which was surprisingly helpful in our dish washing pursuits). I don't know the guy's name, but he was from Pennsylvania. He was in the area to visit with his girlfriend and her ex-step-father (complicated...0_o). He agreed with me that green tea was very important and must not be violated by a dirty thermos.

Uhh, so we went to bed pretty early. Or tried to anyway. We had kind loud-ish drinking neighbors right next to us, so it wasn't the easiest thing. Besides, with ultra bruised hips it gets a little hard to be comfortable. But anyway.

Thursday, May 17, 2012


Day 7


Going Home!!!!

Cait and I rose with the sun, basically.

Actually, I was awoken by the freaking crow that ripped into our garbage the day earlier. At 5 am I heard a plastic bag rustling around (the bag that we had put our clean dishes in the night before), and feathers flapping. I went out of the tent to find the stupid little (actually, it was huge) crow attempting to fly away with our wooden spoon. Ridiculous.

And that was the beginning of our last day.

We hopped into the little car after calling the family and chatting for a bit and packing up camp and eating our last bowls of oatmeal for a long time. We decided to drive straight through if we could safely, because we were both ready to be home and definitely didn't feel like camping another night, and certainly didn't feel like camping two more as was originally planned.

So we drove and drove. Around noon when we reached Albuquerque, though, we had to stop for an hour at Wal Mart to get our tires adjusted somehow because the car was having a bit of trouble. While we were there we get a bunch of Starbuck's energy drinks for the rest of the journey home.

Left from there and drove straight home basically. Somehow I was extremely full of energy and hyperness. I guess I was happy to be headed home.

Took lots of green tea shots to keep up the happy vibes. :P

Around 10 pm we stopped by a Redbox and got some movies to keep us awake during the night hours and a gas station to fill up. At the same time I started drinking my energy drinks. I drove from 10 that night until 6 the next morning. It was actually pretty fun. Cait watched two of the movies starting at 10 going until around 2, but the third one was such crap that we couldn't even handle it, so she went to sleep and I kept myself entertained for the rest of the time.

Somehow I never even got tired. Then Cait took over and I think I slept for an hour or something.

We drove until 12:20, when we finally pulled into our beloved driveway and finally got to see our lovely family! :) We surprised the girls--they thought we would be home the next day.

It was so good to be home, but our trip was a huge blessing and definitely something I would not ever take back.

0_o

I'm pretty sure "eternity" is one of the most convicting words I've ever heard.

I have so much to say about this...but it would be a disaster to try to write it all out. Just think about it though. What kind of eternal impact is your life going to have? God put us here for a reason, are we fulfilling it, or trying to make ourselves comfortable?

Psalm 32:1-5 (NIV)

¹ Blessed is the one
   whose transgressions are forgiven,
   whose sins are covered.
² Blessed is the one
   whose sin the LORD does not count against them
   and in whose spirit is no deceit.

 ³ When I kept silent,
   my bones wasted away
   through my groaning all day long.
⁴ For day and night
   your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
   as in the heat of summer.

 ⁵ Then I acknowledged my sin to you
   and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
   my transgressions to the LORD.”
And you forgave
   the guilt of my sin.

Time Never Stops

. . . and I have to adapt.

     The facts are these: I'm getting older, whether I like it or not. I can either sit around doing nothing with my life and going nowhere, or I can be proactive and start making decisions and . . . start growing up.

     The second option is a little scary, and definitely requires, umm, effort, thought, prayer, faith, etc. But I'm pretty sure life isn't something to mess around with--from what I hear, putting a little effort and thought into one's life is usually a good thing. ;)

-Rethinking my major--considering my options.
-Trying to work out scholarship stuff.
-Considering my options without scholarships.
-Thinking about the President's Ambassador's Program.
-Re-evaluating my priorities.
-Considering my future.
-Thinking about summer jobs.
-Thinking about summer school.
-Thinking about my progressing relationship.
-Taking all of the wise counsel I can get.
-Asking for prayer.
-Praying for direction and wisdom.

I'm so thankful though, because God has definitely been giving me peace. I have so much to decide and so much that is about to change, but I have been able to remain, for the most part, fairly calm about it. I've figured out that God has a plan for my life and my worry doesn't do anything for it. All that my worry does is say that I don't trust God like I should.

So....pray for me! :) I know everything will work out for God's glory. I've learned that things don't usually go as I plan, so I'm excited to see what God's better plan is! :)

Hmmmm

     I'm sitting on my roof right now, listening to beautiful music (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEZ-m61dBKY&feature=youtu.be) and being really, really happy about the 70ish degree weather.

     I'm drinking my first attempt at homemade chai (the fact that I finally learned how to make it will save a lot of money . . . I drink a lot of chai. Because it is delicious), about to start on homework. Lots of it. And studying for finals, which are this week.

     But right now I'm kind of just embracing the moment and realizing how beautiful my life is. Spring tends to encourage such thoughts.

     I'm thinking about: actually trying to really learn piano (why sit around wishing I could and feeling sorry for myself because I suck?), and about making a really cool rain drop quilt, and about the fact that there is a good chance that I'll be married some day . . . I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

     Married women kind of need to know how to cook. Married women get to decorate houses! Married women have to grow up and do things for themselves. Married women have to be humble and love others more than themselves. Married women have to be willing to submit to their husbands.

     I've been seeing that right now I would be a terrible wife. There are so many things I need to change or work on.

     I am so selfish . . . and I am realizing that selfish people don't have great marriages--they have lousy ones. Being married and having a beautiful marriage is not easy . . . at all. It is really scary. But it still sounds awfully wonderful.

     I hope I get married. I hope God will help me to actually be an okay wife. I hope I get to spend the rest of my life in love with my husband. I hope I get to decorate my own house, and make crafty things, and have kids that I get to dress in cool clothes.

     I'm kind of excited to see where God takes me. However, I'm also very content where I am right now. I refuse to decide that I'm getting married. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll live to be a single old lady. Maybe I'll die tomorrow. I've realized that whatever happens though, all I "need" is God. He loves me more than I can ever comprehend, and He always will.

     If I'm not pleased with what God has given me now then I will never be happy. Yes, I really want to get married and have kids. I always have. But we will see. It is very fun to dream about it though :) And all of those things that I need to work on if I'm ever going to be a decent wife are also things that I need to change in order to grow closer to God and treat others with love.

The End.

Separation

Oh, there are so many things to talk about. I'll just pick one though, to save anyone who may actually be reading this from boredom induced page exiting. Heh.

Anyway.

The last few weeks I had been fighting against my conscience--against the Holy Spirit.

There were two sins that I wasn't willing to give up:

•Bitterness against someone who had hurt me and apologized and
•Not honoring my parents

Excuses for Bitterness: "He shouldn't have been such a jerk; he really hurt my feelings," or "I just don't want to talk to him," or "If he gets to ignore me, then I get to ignore him."

Excuses for Dishonor: "It's not that big of a deal," or "I don't think what I'm doing is 'wrong,'" or "No, they wouldn't like it . . . but I REALLY want to do it and I don't think it's sinful."

And so forth.

These sins were definitely separating me from God--and I knew that whether I wanted to admit it or not. Whenever I tried to pray I couldn't because I knew that I was being hypocritical--how can i pray to God while trying to lie to Him and myself that my sin wasn't really 'that bad'? I can't honor God while dishonoring my parents and I can't expect to be forgiven if I'm not willing to forgive.

The separation from God finally made me feel so sick and heavy hearted that my only option was to surrender--to actually admit that what I was doing was sin and to stop. I was finally willing to admit that I was being Jonah (running from what I knew was right).

So while I was reading in Hebrews this week, and all of these great verses came up, I decided I just had to share them and my umm....story:

3:1 "Set your eyes on Jesus."
3:7-8 "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts."
3:10 "Their hearts are always going astray."
3:12-13 "See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."
4:12-13 "For the word of God . . . judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him whom we must give account."

No matter how I try to justify my sin or live in denial it doesn't change that it sin IS sin and that God is never deceived.

I'm so thankful for forgiveness though! Even though I mess up all the time God is always willing to forgive me! And Jesus will help me to overcome these problems that I have:

2:18 "Because [Jesus] himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

Thank You!!!

      I was completely overwhelmed and impressed by the love and care that everyone gave me after my tonsillectomy! I don't really feel like I can completely express my thankfulness, but I'm going to try.

      Firstly, my family went above and beyond to make me happy and comfortable the entire recovery. From buying me special food that they begged me to eat, to taking time out to just sit on the couch and snuggle with me to help me feel better, to staying up all night with me to give me medicine and keep me company during my weird sleeping schedule, my family gave themselves to me lovingly and without complaint for over two weeks and it meant so much to me.

       Besides my family, precious friends checked on me daily through text messages and facebook messages and wall posts--asking me how I was doing, praying for me, rooting for my recovery. Some people even took out hours from their days to come visit me, even though I was the worst company ever. My friends were content watching movies "with me" while I fell asleep on their shoulders or just zoned out completely. Seriously, I was the most boring person on the planet for at least 3 weeks and somehow people were loving enough to spend time with me anyways.

      I was taken on a walk via wheelchair, which was perfect! I was brought a dry erase board and markers for when I couldn't talk--which I definitely needed some of the time! I was given tea that I loved! I was given a super fuzzy amazing blanket that I used the whole time! I was brought chocolate soy milk--my favorite drink like...ever! And the list goes on.

      But mostly, guys, I really really really want to thank you all so much for the love you showed me. I can't really express how much it meant to me and still means, but really, the love and care that everyone showed me honestly made my recovery so much easier and better. Every note, every visit and every prayer made a huge difference. I had a hard time expressing it very well while I was drugged up, but I was, and still am, extremely thankful for all of the love shown to me.

      I am so thankful to God for such amazing and supportive friends. I love you guys all so much!! Thanks for being there for me, I will try to always be there for you too!

The Poison of Pride

      Lately I have been letting all of my friends down--whether it's hurting them with my unwise, unthoughtful words, not spending any time with them, or tearing them apart with my actions--I've felt like a failure as a friend lately.

      Every time I turn around I've hurt another person without meaning to.

      This has been making me feel like crap--but how on earth do I change something that I'm not even doing intentionally?

      I finally took some time out this morning to spend with God--something that I've been ignoring lately because I've been "so busy," and really, if I admit, I've been thinking I can do everything on my own. I didn't "have time" for God. That makes me sick.

      So what God showed me is my pride--something He is continually having to convict me of, and something that I keep fully embracing again, over and over.

How pride? Well, my life was being lived in this order because I was busy and overwhelmed:


            Me--Most important, needs to figure everything out on my own.

            Others--Less important than me, but I still care about them.

            God--Last priority, not worshiped or trusted.


      That's idolatry, pride, disgusting, etc.

      It's time to start worshipping God, surrendering my life to Him, and living my life to honor Him once again. Time to stop thinking so highly and so much of myself, and to put my desires last.


      I'm praying that God will help me to stomp out the pride in my heart and to truly love Him and others. I cannot handle anything on my own--it's obvious that the only thing I'm capable of is messing things up and hurting people. I need God in order to figure things out and get through anything.

Careless Words

Ripped up his heart just to make mine whole

Didn't realize how much it would hurt

To see him hurting--it makes me sick

It was all about what I wanted, didn't stop to remember

He has feelings too, but making myself happy was the goal

Now I'm sick

Hardest thing I've ever watched, and I can't change it

Those words I said . . . they're here to stay

No matter what else I say they will never go away

Can't be replaced

Can't be changed

I've cried until I can't anymore

I've lied there silent on the floor

Can't bear that I've hurt him

Can't stand it is because of my selfish sin

Pressing on Anyways

I do not have time for a breakdown right now.

All I want to do is everything that I can't do, shouldn't do, or don't have time to do.

I need to get off my bed, wipe away the tears of self-pity, and go.

It's just so hard to make myself . . . . . . .

Guardian of My Heart

I thought with how tired I am I'd be able to sleep

But all I can do is think about how things used to be

Those friendships I held so dear, swore I'd never replace

They're gone now, and in my heart there's just this hurting, ugly space

Sure, I have new friends--people that make me smile

But that doesn't take back the memories or turn back the dial

Tonight I just want a time machine, to go back to my past

Relive all those memories, those friendships that didn't last.

Time, it just taunts me, won't let me have a choice

Sometimes I want to go back, but it says I have no voice

What I want, it doesn't matter, because it will never happen

I'm supposed to move on with life, if I don't like it, just keep acting

Growing up, it's not my favorite thing, it's not an easy life

Yeah, there's beauty still, but that doesn't dissolve all the inner strife

The regrets of past mistakes, or lack of self ambition

They haunt me like a ghost, fill my heart with inhibitions.

Tonight I just want to sleep, and to let go of these bad dreams

Of mistakes and things unchangeable--but in my heart they scream.

Worrying about the future, crying about the past

Neither of those things are feelings that anyone wants to last

I've got a future ahead of me, whether I like it or not

A beautiful canvas, it doesn't have a spot

So yeah, I'll make more mistakes, add them to my list

But tonight I'm going to get some sleep, stop this foolishness 

So God, please take these feelings of regret and fear

And please put in my heart a trust, the same one that's lead me here

You've been with me all this way, through the great and through the hard

And every step of the way you watch me and of my heart you will keep guard.

"This Be the Verse"

I'm sorry if this offends you. I personally think it's funny and somewhat true, so I felt like sharing it.

They f*** you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f***** up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

By: Philip Larkin

Walk Worthy of Your Calling

Are we living our lives in a way that's glorifying to the One who died to give us life?

A Little Too Random (sorry)

It's fall! It's fall! I love fall. I love everything about it. Everything.

I've realized what an incredible gift my brothers and sisters in Christ truly are lately. They have been confronting me about sins and encouraging me in my walk. I cannot express how grateful I am. Spiritually, I have grown so much in the last 3ish weeks; it has been awesome! How did it take me so long to realize what a gift my church family is?

School is insane right now. Really really insane. As in, I really shouldn't be spending time writing this right now. But I had to get my thoughts out. And God is really meeting me! Every once in a while I let myself get overwhelmed, but I try to look at this as an exciting challenge. It's kind of fun when I look at it the right way. It's like fitting a huge, impossible seeming puzzle together in a certain amount of time--there's something thrilling about it. One step at a time with lots of prayer and English Tea to soothe.

That's not to say that I won't be extremely happy when I have a little breathing time again though. =)

But in the mean time, I have brothers and sisters holding me up in prayer before our Father. I have a God who loves me and is helping me. I have fresh fall air to breathe. I have lovely people to hug and talk to when I'm having a hard time.

Life is so beautiful! So so very beautiful.

Do You Know How Loved You Are?

For the past few weeks I've been struggling a lot with depression.

I wrote last week about how depressed I was the night before I started school, and how silly I felt about it afterward. Well, let me tell you, the "silliness" (if that's what it can really be called) did not end there like I was thinking it would. For the rest of the week my emotions raged out of control: silly and happy one minute, depressed and despairing the next. Needless to say, last week wasn't particularly pleasant.

Because I was so sad, I closed my heart and eyes to the people who were trying to show me love. I didn't even recognize it. I was blind to all of the ways that God has blessed me. I didn't even consider how much He loves me.

Over the weekend things seemed to shape up a little bit. Where did that depression go? Well, instead of finding comfort in God and fighting depression with Joy and God's strength, I was able to ignore it for a few days because I didn't have the stress of homework on my shoulders and I got to see and talk to the person that I wanted to.

So everything was all better, yeah? Ehh. That's what I was thinking until this morning.

Then I started to feel the same sadness sweep over me that was there last week--I was thinking about what this next week would bring and beginning to think that it would be like last week.

And that's when Lydia Martin walks into the kitchen and randomly says, "Do you know how loved you are?" Then walks out, leaving me to actually consider her question.

And you know what? The words that little girl said could not have been more perfect or convicting. Through her, God told me exactly what I needed to hear. I am SO loved! All of the people are around me care about me. I have tons of people praying for me. I get all kinds of warm, loving hugs whenever I'm around my brothers and sisters in Christ, and sincere questions about how I am doing and what's going on in my life. And to top that off, Christ loved me so much that He suffered and died for me!!!!! I'm part of God's family, and if that doesn't totally fill my heart with joy, then nothing will.

I am so loved, and it's an incredible thing.

He Makes Me Smile

•His smile makes me smile.
•His silliness makes me laugh.
•When he tries to cheer me up he always succeeds.
•He comforts me when I'm having a hard time, and he's the best listener I have ever talked to.
•He plays along with my ridiculousness and laughs when I'm silly.
•He is very encouraging.
•He is patient.
•He is insanely sweet.
•He's an excellent example of Christlike behavior.
•He refuses to believe that I'm not good at everything.
•He worries about me and always wants me to be safe and okay.
•He gets along with everyone.
•He's responsible.
•He is humble.
•He can do flips!
•He's original.
•He treats me as an equal and respects my opinions and supports my decisions.
•He never brags (ever).
•Sometimes I want to scream because just being with him or talking to him makes me so happy.
•He never speaks badly of people.
•He has beautiful eyes.
•Whenever he makes mistakes or thinks that he's made a mistake he is quick to humbly apologize and ask for forgiveness and make a change.
•He's good at everything he tries.
•He's the most easy going person I've ever met.
•He has a beautiful voice.
•I can talk to him about anything and he's open with me too.
•He's awesome (the real kind) at playing guitar.
•He accepts me for who I am and never judges me.
•He gives the greatest hugs in the world.

My best friend is the greatest in the world, I'm absolutely convinced of it. ^_^

I'm so thankful that God has blessed me with him.



"You take away the old and show me the new, I feel like I could fly when I stand next to you."
Blue October--"Calling You"

First Day Back

Last night I had a bit of a physical and mental meltdown. I felt awful and was also letting anything negative in my life grow from something little into something huge and take over my thoughts. I was so depressed and tired and in pain. Needless to say, last night was somewhat miserable.

Then I woke up this morning and went to my first day back at school. It felt really good, too! I got to see my favorite school friends, and had a great first day back! All of my classes and my work went well and it was a beautiful day. And then the best part: I got to talk to my best friend, who I'd decided last night I'd never get to talk to once school started because our schedules are so opposite (one of the bigger reasons I was all mopey) . . .

Now, when I think about today, I feel pretty silly about last night. I wish I was an optimist. Or even a realist. But really, if I let myself, I can be a ridiculously ungrateful pessimist who decides everything in the world is terrible even though she's crazy blessed by God and has an incredible life. Goodness, I'm pathetic sometimes . . . most times.

Camp Barnabas

I spent July 31 through August 7 in Purdy, Missouri at Camp Barnabas, a camp for kids who are disabled. It was such an incredible week, in which I learned to give myself completely and love unconditionally. The huge lesson that God taught me while I was there is that "love is patient, love is kind . . . it is not self-seaking." (I Corinthians 13:4,5)

This is "B2," my cabin. All of the crazy people in the back row? They're my Barnabas family, and they were all amazing. Throughout the week we were able to help and encourage each other so much. It was such a blessing to help others and to be helped. It was also great to talk to and get to know each one of them! The adorable kids in the front are the precious people that my family and I were responsible for taking care of and loving all week--and they were incredible blessings to all of us, helping us to grow and learn how to love.

This is inside of our cabin (the girls stayed in another cabin called the "Barnabunk" at night). Our kids had various disabilities ranging from Cerebral Palsy, to Shaken Baby Syndrome, to Autism and Downs Syndrome, to a bunch of others things that I can't remember. 

My kid's name was Daniel ("Dan-Dan"), and he was adorable! He was 9 years old and he had a mix of Cerebral Palsy and mental retardation and a couple of other things. He could say "mama," and he could crawl, but besides that he didn't talk or communicate with me and because he couldn't walk he had to use a wheelchair. Even though he didn't really respond to people, he loved how different things felt and sounded. He had a lot of squishy and noisy toys that he loved to play with.

Each CIA (which is what I was) is assigned one camper for the week. We are responsible for everything for these kids for the entire week. Clothing, feeding, bathing, putting them to bed, helping them with activities, changing their diapers, etc. It's a huge, important, and tiring job. Because I was a girl taking care of a boy though, the changing and bathing were done for me by different guy CIA's in my cabin (they were so helpful all week and I am still so thankful for their help!).

There were tons of different activities available for the campers, and each cabin was assigned three per day, and then given an open activity time called "OATS," where they chose their own activity. All in all, our cabin had four activities a day for the kids to participate in. Dan-Dan's favorite activity, by far, was swimming! His joy while being splashed in the face was such a beautiful thing! He would just lie in the water with his eyes closed and the most precious smile on his face. His happiness made me happy.

"Chill"

Relaxed. Peaceful. Happy. Content. Soothed.
Maybe a little sleepy too ;)

The amazing smell of honeysuckle (gasp) . . . 

The gentle blow of my fan . . . 

The deliciousness of chocolate (sigh) . . . 

and the beauty of Enya.

       So my night started out with an amazing time of prayer with my sisters in Christ, Cindy and Abella. We shared requests and encouragements in our small group and then brought our needs and praises to God. I love prayer meeting at church so much--there's not much that can be better or more encouraging. Prayer is so . . . special and great! 

       After we finished praying I got to spend time with my favorite person, and a few other people that I really love: happiness and joy!

       Then I came home, ate tofu deliciousness, drank lemon iced tea amazingness, and decided to relax. The pictures above are of what the rest of my evening has been: chill (and great!)