Time Never Stops

. . . and I have to adapt.

     The facts are these: I'm getting older, whether I like it or not. I can either sit around doing nothing with my life and going nowhere, or I can be proactive and start making decisions and . . . start growing up.

     The second option is a little scary, and definitely requires, umm, effort, thought, prayer, faith, etc. But I'm pretty sure life isn't something to mess around with--from what I hear, putting a little effort and thought into one's life is usually a good thing. ;)

-Rethinking my major--considering my options.
-Trying to work out scholarship stuff.
-Considering my options without scholarships.
-Thinking about the President's Ambassador's Program.
-Re-evaluating my priorities.
-Considering my future.
-Thinking about summer jobs.
-Thinking about summer school.
-Thinking about my progressing relationship.
-Taking all of the wise counsel I can get.
-Asking for prayer.
-Praying for direction and wisdom.

I'm so thankful though, because God has definitely been giving me peace. I have so much to decide and so much that is about to change, but I have been able to remain, for the most part, fairly calm about it. I've figured out that God has a plan for my life and my worry doesn't do anything for it. All that my worry does is say that I don't trust God like I should.

So....pray for me! :) I know everything will work out for God's glory. I've learned that things don't usually go as I plan, so I'm excited to see what God's better plan is! :)

Hmmmm

     I'm sitting on my roof right now, listening to beautiful music (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEZ-m61dBKY&feature=youtu.be) and being really, really happy about the 70ish degree weather.

     I'm drinking my first attempt at homemade chai (the fact that I finally learned how to make it will save a lot of money . . . I drink a lot of chai. Because it is delicious), about to start on homework. Lots of it. And studying for finals, which are this week.

     But right now I'm kind of just embracing the moment and realizing how beautiful my life is. Spring tends to encourage such thoughts.

     I'm thinking about: actually trying to really learn piano (why sit around wishing I could and feeling sorry for myself because I suck?), and about making a really cool rain drop quilt, and about the fact that there is a good chance that I'll be married some day . . . I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

     Married women kind of need to know how to cook. Married women get to decorate houses! Married women have to grow up and do things for themselves. Married women have to be humble and love others more than themselves. Married women have to be willing to submit to their husbands.

     I've been seeing that right now I would be a terrible wife. There are so many things I need to change or work on.

     I am so selfish . . . and I am realizing that selfish people don't have great marriages--they have lousy ones. Being married and having a beautiful marriage is not easy . . . at all. It is really scary. But it still sounds awfully wonderful.

     I hope I get married. I hope God will help me to actually be an okay wife. I hope I get to spend the rest of my life in love with my husband. I hope I get to decorate my own house, and make crafty things, and have kids that I get to dress in cool clothes.

     I'm kind of excited to see where God takes me. However, I'm also very content where I am right now. I refuse to decide that I'm getting married. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll live to be a single old lady. Maybe I'll die tomorrow. I've realized that whatever happens though, all I "need" is God. He loves me more than I can ever comprehend, and He always will.

     If I'm not pleased with what God has given me now then I will never be happy. Yes, I really want to get married and have kids. I always have. But we will see. It is very fun to dream about it though :) And all of those things that I need to work on if I'm ever going to be a decent wife are also things that I need to change in order to grow closer to God and treat others with love.

The End.

Separation

Oh, there are so many things to talk about. I'll just pick one though, to save anyone who may actually be reading this from boredom induced page exiting. Heh.

Anyway.

The last few weeks I had been fighting against my conscience--against the Holy Spirit.

There were two sins that I wasn't willing to give up:

•Bitterness against someone who had hurt me and apologized and
•Not honoring my parents

Excuses for Bitterness: "He shouldn't have been such a jerk; he really hurt my feelings," or "I just don't want to talk to him," or "If he gets to ignore me, then I get to ignore him."

Excuses for Dishonor: "It's not that big of a deal," or "I don't think what I'm doing is 'wrong,'" or "No, they wouldn't like it . . . but I REALLY want to do it and I don't think it's sinful."

And so forth.

These sins were definitely separating me from God--and I knew that whether I wanted to admit it or not. Whenever I tried to pray I couldn't because I knew that I was being hypocritical--how can i pray to God while trying to lie to Him and myself that my sin wasn't really 'that bad'? I can't honor God while dishonoring my parents and I can't expect to be forgiven if I'm not willing to forgive.

The separation from God finally made me feel so sick and heavy hearted that my only option was to surrender--to actually admit that what I was doing was sin and to stop. I was finally willing to admit that I was being Jonah (running from what I knew was right).

So while I was reading in Hebrews this week, and all of these great verses came up, I decided I just had to share them and my umm....story:

3:1 "Set your eyes on Jesus."
3:7-8 "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts."
3:10 "Their hearts are always going astray."
3:12-13 "See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."
4:12-13 "For the word of God . . . judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him whom we must give account."

No matter how I try to justify my sin or live in denial it doesn't change that it sin IS sin and that God is never deceived.

I'm so thankful for forgiveness though! Even though I mess up all the time God is always willing to forgive me! And Jesus will help me to overcome these problems that I have:

2:18 "Because [Jesus] himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

Thank You!!!

      I was completely overwhelmed and impressed by the love and care that everyone gave me after my tonsillectomy! I don't really feel like I can completely express my thankfulness, but I'm going to try.

      Firstly, my family went above and beyond to make me happy and comfortable the entire recovery. From buying me special food that they begged me to eat, to taking time out to just sit on the couch and snuggle with me to help me feel better, to staying up all night with me to give me medicine and keep me company during my weird sleeping schedule, my family gave themselves to me lovingly and without complaint for over two weeks and it meant so much to me.

       Besides my family, precious friends checked on me daily through text messages and facebook messages and wall posts--asking me how I was doing, praying for me, rooting for my recovery. Some people even took out hours from their days to come visit me, even though I was the worst company ever. My friends were content watching movies "with me" while I fell asleep on their shoulders or just zoned out completely. Seriously, I was the most boring person on the planet for at least 3 weeks and somehow people were loving enough to spend time with me anyways.

      I was taken on a walk via wheelchair, which was perfect! I was brought a dry erase board and markers for when I couldn't talk--which I definitely needed some of the time! I was given tea that I loved! I was given a super fuzzy amazing blanket that I used the whole time! I was brought chocolate soy milk--my favorite drink like...ever! And the list goes on.

      But mostly, guys, I really really really want to thank you all so much for the love you showed me. I can't really express how much it meant to me and still means, but really, the love and care that everyone showed me honestly made my recovery so much easier and better. Every note, every visit and every prayer made a huge difference. I had a hard time expressing it very well while I was drugged up, but I was, and still am, extremely thankful for all of the love shown to me.

      I am so thankful to God for such amazing and supportive friends. I love you guys all so much!! Thanks for being there for me, I will try to always be there for you too!

The Poison of Pride

      Lately I have been letting all of my friends down--whether it's hurting them with my unwise, unthoughtful words, not spending any time with them, or tearing them apart with my actions--I've felt like a failure as a friend lately.

      Every time I turn around I've hurt another person without meaning to.

      This has been making me feel like crap--but how on earth do I change something that I'm not even doing intentionally?

      I finally took some time out this morning to spend with God--something that I've been ignoring lately because I've been "so busy," and really, if I admit, I've been thinking I can do everything on my own. I didn't "have time" for God. That makes me sick.

      So what God showed me is my pride--something He is continually having to convict me of, and something that I keep fully embracing again, over and over.

How pride? Well, my life was being lived in this order because I was busy and overwhelmed:


            Me--Most important, needs to figure everything out on my own.

            Others--Less important than me, but I still care about them.

            God--Last priority, not worshiped or trusted.


      That's idolatry, pride, disgusting, etc.

      It's time to start worshipping God, surrendering my life to Him, and living my life to honor Him once again. Time to stop thinking so highly and so much of myself, and to put my desires last.


      I'm praying that God will help me to stomp out the pride in my heart and to truly love Him and others. I cannot handle anything on my own--it's obvious that the only thing I'm capable of is messing things up and hurting people. I need God in order to figure things out and get through anything.

Careless Words

Ripped up his heart just to make mine whole

Didn't realize how much it would hurt

To see him hurting--it makes me sick

It was all about what I wanted, didn't stop to remember

He has feelings too, but making myself happy was the goal

Now I'm sick

Hardest thing I've ever watched, and I can't change it

Those words I said . . . they're here to stay

No matter what else I say they will never go away

Can't be replaced

Can't be changed

I've cried until I can't anymore

I've lied there silent on the floor

Can't bear that I've hurt him

Can't stand it is because of my selfish sin

Pressing on Anyways

I do not have time for a breakdown right now.

All I want to do is everything that I can't do, shouldn't do, or don't have time to do.

I need to get off my bed, wipe away the tears of self-pity, and go.

It's just so hard to make myself . . . . . . .

Guardian of My Heart

I thought with how tired I am I'd be able to sleep

But all I can do is think about how things used to be

Those friendships I held so dear, swore I'd never replace

They're gone now, and in my heart there's just this hurting, ugly space

Sure, I have new friends--people that make me smile

But that doesn't take back the memories or turn back the dial

Tonight I just want a time machine, to go back to my past

Relive all those memories, those friendships that didn't last.

Time, it just taunts me, won't let me have a choice

Sometimes I want to go back, but it says I have no voice

What I want, it doesn't matter, because it will never happen

I'm supposed to move on with life, if I don't like it, just keep acting

Growing up, it's not my favorite thing, it's not an easy life

Yeah, there's beauty still, but that doesn't dissolve all the inner strife

The regrets of past mistakes, or lack of self ambition

They haunt me like a ghost, fill my heart with inhibitions.

Tonight I just want to sleep, and to let go of these bad dreams

Of mistakes and things unchangeable--but in my heart they scream.

Worrying about the future, crying about the past

Neither of those things are feelings that anyone wants to last

I've got a future ahead of me, whether I like it or not

A beautiful canvas, it doesn't have a spot

So yeah, I'll make more mistakes, add them to my list

But tonight I'm going to get some sleep, stop this foolishness 

So God, please take these feelings of regret and fear

And please put in my heart a trust, the same one that's lead me here

You've been with me all this way, through the great and through the hard

And every step of the way you watch me and of my heart you will keep guard.

"This Be the Verse"

I'm sorry if this offends you. I personally think it's funny and somewhat true, so I felt like sharing it.

They f*** you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f***** up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

By: Philip Larkin

Walk Worthy of Your Calling

Are we living our lives in a way that's glorifying to the One who died to give us life?

A Little Too Random (sorry)

It's fall! It's fall! I love fall. I love everything about it. Everything.

I've realized what an incredible gift my brothers and sisters in Christ truly are lately. They have been confronting me about sins and encouraging me in my walk. I cannot express how grateful I am. Spiritually, I have grown so much in the last 3ish weeks; it has been awesome! How did it take me so long to realize what a gift my church family is?

School is insane right now. Really really insane. As in, I really shouldn't be spending time writing this right now. But I had to get my thoughts out. And God is really meeting me! Every once in a while I let myself get overwhelmed, but I try to look at this as an exciting challenge. It's kind of fun when I look at it the right way. It's like fitting a huge, impossible seeming puzzle together in a certain amount of time--there's something thrilling about it. One step at a time with lots of prayer and English Tea to soothe.

That's not to say that I won't be extremely happy when I have a little breathing time again though. =)

But in the mean time, I have brothers and sisters holding me up in prayer before our Father. I have a God who loves me and is helping me. I have fresh fall air to breathe. I have lovely people to hug and talk to when I'm having a hard time.

Life is so beautiful! So so very beautiful.

Do You Know How Loved You Are?

For the past few weeks I've been struggling a lot with depression.

I wrote last week about how depressed I was the night before I started school, and how silly I felt about it afterward. Well, let me tell you, the "silliness" (if that's what it can really be called) did not end there like I was thinking it would. For the rest of the week my emotions raged out of control: silly and happy one minute, depressed and despairing the next. Needless to say, last week wasn't particularly pleasant.

Because I was so sad, I closed my heart and eyes to the people who were trying to show me love. I didn't even recognize it. I was blind to all of the ways that God has blessed me. I didn't even consider how much He loves me.

Over the weekend things seemed to shape up a little bit. Where did that depression go? Well, instead of finding comfort in God and fighting depression with Joy and God's strength, I was able to ignore it for a few days because I didn't have the stress of homework on my shoulders and I got to see and talk to the person that I wanted to.

So everything was all better, yeah? Ehh. That's what I was thinking until this morning.

Then I started to feel the same sadness sweep over me that was there last week--I was thinking about what this next week would bring and beginning to think that it would be like last week.

And that's when Lydia Martin walks into the kitchen and randomly says, "Do you know how loved you are?" Then walks out, leaving me to actually consider her question.

And you know what? The words that little girl said could not have been more perfect or convicting. Through her, God told me exactly what I needed to hear. I am SO loved! All of the people are around me care about me. I have tons of people praying for me. I get all kinds of warm, loving hugs whenever I'm around my brothers and sisters in Christ, and sincere questions about how I am doing and what's going on in my life. And to top that off, Christ loved me so much that He suffered and died for me!!!!! I'm part of God's family, and if that doesn't totally fill my heart with joy, then nothing will.

I am so loved, and it's an incredible thing.

He Makes Me Smile

•His smile makes me smile.
•His silliness makes me laugh.
•When he tries to cheer me up he always succeeds.
•He comforts me when I'm having a hard time, and he's the best listener I have ever talked to.
•He plays along with my ridiculousness and laughs when I'm silly.
•He is very encouraging.
•He is patient.
•He is insanely sweet.
•He's an excellent example of Christlike behavior.
•He refuses to believe that I'm not good at everything.
•He worries about me and always wants me to be safe and okay.
•He gets along with everyone.
•He's responsible.
•He is humble.
•He can do flips!
•He's original.
•He treats me as an equal and respects my opinions and supports my decisions.
•He never brags (ever).
•Sometimes I want to scream because just being with him or talking to him makes me so happy.
•He never speaks badly of people.
•He has beautiful eyes.
•Whenever he makes mistakes or thinks that he's made a mistake he is quick to humbly apologize and ask for forgiveness and make a change.
•He's good at everything he tries.
•He's the most easy going person I've ever met.
•He has a beautiful voice.
•I can talk to him about anything and he's open with me too.
•He's awesome (the real kind) at playing guitar.
•He accepts me for who I am and never judges me.
•He gives the greatest hugs in the world.

My best friend is the greatest in the world, I'm absolutely convinced of it. ^_^

I'm so thankful that God has blessed me with him.



"You take away the old and show me the new, I feel like I could fly when I stand next to you."
Blue October--"Calling You"

First Day Back

Last night I had a bit of a physical and mental meltdown. I felt awful and was also letting anything negative in my life grow from something little into something huge and take over my thoughts. I was so depressed and tired and in pain. Needless to say, last night was somewhat miserable.

Then I woke up this morning and went to my first day back at school. It felt really good, too! I got to see my favorite school friends, and had a great first day back! All of my classes and my work went well and it was a beautiful day. And then the best part: I got to talk to my best friend, who I'd decided last night I'd never get to talk to once school started because our schedules are so opposite (one of the bigger reasons I was all mopey) . . .

Now, when I think about today, I feel pretty silly about last night. I wish I was an optimist. Or even a realist. But really, if I let myself, I can be a ridiculously ungrateful pessimist who decides everything in the world is terrible even though she's crazy blessed by God and has an incredible life. Goodness, I'm pathetic sometimes . . . most times.

Camp Barnabas

I spent July 31 through August 7 in Purdy, Missouri at Camp Barnabas, a camp for kids who are disabled. It was such an incredible week, in which I learned to give myself completely and love unconditionally. The huge lesson that God taught me while I was there is that "love is patient, love is kind . . . it is not self-seaking." (I Corinthians 13:4,5)

This is "B2," my cabin. All of the crazy people in the back row? They're my Barnabas family, and they were all amazing. Throughout the week we were able to help and encourage each other so much. It was such a blessing to help others and to be helped. It was also great to talk to and get to know each one of them! The adorable kids in the front are the precious people that my family and I were responsible for taking care of and loving all week--and they were incredible blessings to all of us, helping us to grow and learn how to love.

This is inside of our cabin (the girls stayed in another cabin called the "Barnabunk" at night). Our kids had various disabilities ranging from Cerebral Palsy, to Shaken Baby Syndrome, to Autism and Downs Syndrome, to a bunch of others things that I can't remember. 

My kid's name was Daniel ("Dan-Dan"), and he was adorable! He was 9 years old and he had a mix of Cerebral Palsy and mental retardation and a couple of other things. He could say "mama," and he could crawl, but besides that he didn't talk or communicate with me and because he couldn't walk he had to use a wheelchair. Even though he didn't really respond to people, he loved how different things felt and sounded. He had a lot of squishy and noisy toys that he loved to play with.

Each CIA (which is what I was) is assigned one camper for the week. We are responsible for everything for these kids for the entire week. Clothing, feeding, bathing, putting them to bed, helping them with activities, changing their diapers, etc. It's a huge, important, and tiring job. Because I was a girl taking care of a boy though, the changing and bathing were done for me by different guy CIA's in my cabin (they were so helpful all week and I am still so thankful for their help!).

There were tons of different activities available for the campers, and each cabin was assigned three per day, and then given an open activity time called "OATS," where they chose their own activity. All in all, our cabin had four activities a day for the kids to participate in. Dan-Dan's favorite activity, by far, was swimming! His joy while being splashed in the face was such a beautiful thing! He would just lie in the water with his eyes closed and the most precious smile on his face. His happiness made me happy.

"Chill"

Relaxed. Peaceful. Happy. Content. Soothed.
Maybe a little sleepy too ;)

The amazing smell of honeysuckle (gasp) . . . 

The gentle blow of my fan . . . 

The deliciousness of chocolate (sigh) . . . 

and the beauty of Enya.

       So my night started out with an amazing time of prayer with my sisters in Christ, Cindy and Abella. We shared requests and encouragements in our small group and then brought our needs and praises to God. I love prayer meeting at church so much--there's not much that can be better or more encouraging. Prayer is so . . . special and great! 

       After we finished praying I got to spend time with my favorite person, and a few other people that I really love: happiness and joy!

       Then I came home, ate tofu deliciousness, drank lemon iced tea amazingness, and decided to relax. The pictures above are of what the rest of my evening has been: chill (and great!)

Life Stuff

       So there's kind of a lot going on in my life right now, and none of it has to do with a busy schedule. It all has to do with my heart and my personal life, I guess. And it's so easy to be overwhelmed by it all. In fact, I'm trying to think of how I want to write this post so it will make sense, and I'm having a lot of trouble sorting out all of my thoughts.

       I guess I'll start with the physical. For most of my teenage life I've had sleep insomnia. I'm very used to restless nights--staring that the ceiling until 3:30 am every morning. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Wishing I could sleep because I'm so tired, but being unable to. If you've ever had this problem you know as well as I do that it only gets worse the harder you try to sleep. Sigh. So for a while I wasn't having as much trouble with it, in fact, I was falling asleep around 1:00, which is really early for me. But in the last two weeks it's come back. It's 3:00 am right now, and I'm nowhere close to falling asleep.

       And the other thing that's huge on my heart right now is putting God first. In every single area of my life. In general this is a bit of a struggle--it's hard to focus on God like I should. But what makes it even worse is when I want something a lot that I can't have and glorify God at the same time. Turning something into an idol because I'm letting it compete with me glorifying God. Right now, I want something, and I personally don't consider it a sin, so I've been letting my self slip into it little by little. So . . . what's the problem? Oh, it's this little thing called respecting and honoring parents. They are responsible for me. They love me. They are in charge of looking out for my best interest. God has commanded me to respect and obey them. I have agreed to abide by their rules in this instance and they trust me. Technically, I haven't really been breaking rules . . . but I've definitely been breaking the spirit of the rules and I know that they would not be pleased. I feel like I have lied to them, or tricked them, or something. God sees right through my excuses, and he's opened my heart to that in the last couple of days. So I've kind of got a big thing to change and deal with in my life. It's not going to be easy, and I'm kind of going to have to "rewind" somethings in my life right now--but I'm absolutely convinced that by honoring my parents I will be honoring God, and He will bless me and keep me from giving into the temptation of what I want to do. Goodness it's going to be hard though and sometimes it's going to hurt--so pray for me, please!

Peace & Love

Road Tripping

I've always loved traveling--it's exciting and new. You get to go all these places you've never gone before, and feel new things, and see different beautiful things that are shocking and great, and that you may never see again. Exciting and new things are kinda great.

So, last week my family and I went on vacation to the "Outer Banks," in North Carolina. It was basically like being on a huge island all week (except that it's technically a really long peninsula). It was really beautiful--kinda like something you'd imagine. We spent every day doing fun stuff and just chilling as a family (which like...never happens). We were two blocks away from the Ocean, so my sisters and I walked there and hung out a lot. And my parents are into..."exploring," so we did a LOT of driving around and checking out different things like old light houses and sand dunes (which are way cooler than they sound) and fishing ports and boardwalks and going "crabbing" (scary stuff ;P) and....yeah, we were really busy the whole time, actually. And it was fun.

But I sorta learned something new about myself (I'd already kinda figured this out though, I guess it was just especially obvious to me this week)....

I love being home.

I'm kind of ridiculously attached to my friends. All I could think about the whole week was how much I missed home and people. It was basically the longest week of my life. And that makes it sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not! It was really fun, and I definitely enjoyed myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as much as I loved being in a new, exciting place, doing cool things....I love being home a lot more. I kinda feel like one of those kids you take to a fancy restaurant and they order Macaroni & Cheese, ya know? I was in this gorgeous, humidity free place, chilling in the Atlantic Ocean (!!!) and doing nothing but having fun for a week, but all I really wanted was to be in Hartsville, seeing my friends and being hugged by them and the humid air.

Yeah.....so as cool and awe-inspiring as the world and its beauty are (cause really?? :O :O!!)....I'm not much of a world traveler, I guess. And it has nothing to do with location or scenery, just people. If I could take the people that I love with me, I'm pretty sure I could make a journey around the world without a second thought. =)

"Is this the place we used to love? Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?"
Keane--Somewhere Only We Know

!!!

Summer is here!

It's kind of shocking to me how good it feels to have a break after so much school. I knew it would be good, but I had no idea it would feel this amazing!

All of the sudden I actually have time to do things! I have time to help people out, to get stuff done besides school, to talk to my family, to do things with my friends. For once I've been using my time in the best ways, and I believe, glorifying God with what I'm doing--this is different from most summers, when I end up being lazy and selfish for three months. And I'm happy and energized, instead of crabby, overwhelmed, and tired.

Happy sigh.

Thank you Lord for summer!!! =)

Spread the Gospel!

"I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. Your love has given me great joy and encouragement because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints."
Philemon 1:6,7

"Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold."
II Corinthians 3:12

This is kind of like a follow up to my last post. God let me stumble upon these verses last night, and they were so perfect for what's been on my heart that I had to share them. =)

Say Something!!!!

Witnessing would be so easy if people would just do what they should!

That's what I tell myself. I tell myself that I'll talk to so-and-so about my faith if it comes up. I wait around for people to ask me about it instead of taking an initiative to talk to them about God.

But you know what? There is no time for me to be sitting around, waiting for non-believers to magically become interested in God without someone bringing it up. Sure, that would be great, and sometimes it does actually happen...but God wants me to be pro-active. He wants me to take a leap--even though it's scary.

In the end, I know that by doing something for God's kingdom I will not only be furthering it, but I will be growing closer to God and becoming more like him.

Sigh. Boldness is something I really need to work on. The truth of God is so great that I should be bursting forth with it. I should love my neighbors (and enemies) so much that I can't stop from telling them the Truth!

Thankfully, the place God has me in life right now offers daily opportunities to share His word and spread his truth and love. Now I just need to stop freaking out about it, trust God, and SAY SOMETHING. =)

Peace & Love

the crime of sleepiness

I hate being sad, therefore I hate being tired.

Eh. Follow my logic here for a second, then that last sentence may actually make a little sense.

When I'm tired I cannot think rationally. No matter how hard I try.

If I'm really tired before I go to bed, I cannot reason how much time I need in the morning to get ready, so I'll usually end up setting my alarm clock for over an hour before I really need to get up.

I get so depressed about everything because my brain will only let me focus on the sad things. Sometimes I'm just sad for no reason, and thinking about something that usually fills my heart with bliss fills it instead with doubt...but there's nothing to doubt, it's just there with no reason behind it, causing me distress.

I don't get it. It makes being tired really hard to deal with and still have a pleasant attitude.

I guess the positive side of things is when I'm not tired. I'm usually pretty optimistic--and once I get over my tiredness, or rest up, everything goes back to how it should be. I'm happy again. I can think about things reasonably. My gratuitous doubt and sadness are gone, and life is wonderful again.

peace & love

Realness is beautiful.

Fake flowers vs. Real flowers

It's a universal love: everyone loves flowers. 

But why? 

You can smell them and feel their soft petals. They aren't perfect; they have blemishes--but they are no less beautiful because of it. In fact, they are more treasured and more appreciated because they aren't going to last forever. Their beauty is genuine and special. We have to wait for them during the winter, and treasure them in the spring. Because they are real--that is why we love them so much.

So doesn't that make fake flowers pointless? I think so. Everything that's so beautiful about flowers--all of the realness--is taken away and replaced with plastic. You can't smell them; they aren't soft; they are "too" perfect; and what's special about something that's always there and completely flawless? What is special about being artificial?

I was thinking about all of this while on a walk earlier today (after picking some beautiful springy daffodils) and it struck me: people are like flowers! 

Be real! Being "real," being yourself . . . that's what makes you beautiful and special. Not looking perfect all the time. Being flawless (caking yourself in make-up, spending hours on your hair, worrying about being popular or cool) is not going to make you amazing. It's our hearts and our attitudes that make us beautiful or ugly. We should be focused on glorifying God with out actions and words and attitudes. We should be worshiping God with all that we do. This is true beauty.

Just like everyone loves real flowers, people like real people and real girls! 

And physically, God created you exactly how he wants you to be. You are beautiful--stop saying and thinking that you are not. You are special and worth waiting for, just like flowers in the spring (so as a side note, please never lower your standards for a guy because you don't think you're good enough. You are!).

Be yourself. Don't stress about not looking "perfect." It's okay if you have pimples, or crazy hair, or a little extra weight, or any other so called flaw. God created you, just like he created the beautiful flowers that we admire--except you were created in His image, which is way more special and beautiful than flowers. 

Peace & Love

General Update?

God is so good and faithful. Me on the other hand? Not so much.

But that's part of why His forgiveness and love is so completely beautiful--because I can never, for one second, "deserve" it. I am stunned, but I wish I was more stunned. I pray that God will be more real to me every day, and that I will be falling in love with who He is. 

So that's definitely been on my mind. A lot.

And a quick little update on my life:

This semester has been excellent! All of my classes and teachers are really great and I've been enjoying school and learning so much. My schedule actually allows me to be home, too! So I get to see my family more, and that has really helped me grow closer to them and has had some amazing impact on relationships (especially with the parents!).

I don't have really any other updates besides school--it's a little life consuming. But I would really appreciate prayer. First, just prayer for relationships, with God, parents, siblings, etc. That I would have my priorities straight, and that I would not idolize myself, or others. And the second is just for decisions and direction in general. I'm switching majors, and probably switching schools, so I really need wisdom there. There's also some other big stuff going on in my life that's more private, so prayer for that too.

I would love to pray for you too. Yes, you! I'm serious. If you're reading this, feel free to share any prayer requests. I would love to be able to encourage you and to bring your problems, praises or concerns before our great God! He loves to listen to us! And, He promises to meet us!

Peace and Love

Broken

My heart hurts. It's broken. Finally.

For years I have been pushing my parents away. Because of distasteful childhood memories I was bitter, and refused to let them in on anything personal. I wanted to be independent. I didn't want to be told what to  do, or how to do it. I distanced myself from my parents, and, to a lesser extent, the rest of my family as well. I have been a complete jerk to them for years. I have worn invisible but obvious signs saying things like, "don't you dare ask me questions about that!" and "I'm old enough to make my own decisions, I don't need any rules!" The only message I've been giving my parents is to stay back. "Don't come close to me! You made mistakes when I was younger that I just can't forgive you for . . ." They tried desperately for years to be part of my life, but I wouldn't let them anywhere near me and my high and mighty independence.

What I didn't realize was that the "independence" that I was pushing so hard and so steadily for was nothing good. It was loneliness and an empty heart. I am living the consequences of my actions. I have acquired the freedom that I have striven for for years . . . and I hate it. I hate it like I never could have imagined.

I never thought that I would want to be be bossed around. I never thought that I'd want my mom to pry, or for dad to make rules. But not being told to clean the kitchen or get home at a special time kinda takes the family feeling out of my life (it's the sense of security--mom and dad are looking out for you; they know what's best). And my mom not prying (something I never thought I would want. Ever.) actually makes me feel sick. Every girl needs a mom to pry and a dad to make crazy rules. I've come to realize that without it you feel a little unloved and unprotected. You feel hurt and insecure.

I was thinking about this last night and on my drive home from school today. So heartbreaking . . . and so completely my fault. It hurts so much. All I want is for my parents to step in and make things better.

But I know that I have humble myself, apologize, and invite them back into my life. Let them know that I love them, and that I need them! They are so important, and that is something that I have never been willing to admit. Until now.

I LOVE MY PARENTS. AND I NEED THEM!!!

I am so brokenhearted right now that I feel sick. But I am rejoicing because God is opening my eyes to this putrid sin and He is changing my heart.

"The heart is a sad thing to lose in the throws of a fight . . ."
Caedmon's Call--Manner and Means

2011 . . . .

This is going to be another beautiful year!

Every year of my life seems to get more and more wonderful. I am slowly growing out of the person I hate and moving away from the problems I need to get over. I am moving into Christ-likeness and holiness. I have so much further to go, but it is really comforting to see God changing my life--to see God sanctifying me.

Peace & Love

Vienna Waits For You

Every time I notice the clock hitting 11:11, I make sure to make a wish. Glancing at the clock and seeing that lucky time has somehow been becoming more and more frequent. It is now a part of my daily ritual.

I know it's not real. But every day I make the same wish, and it's fun to believe that it may, some day, come true. =)

Okay, so besides that silliness. The year is almost over and I am very satisfied with my life during 2010. So much has happened in the last year. So many good things have filled up my life. My heart is full and I can't think of any big regrets from the last year. God has been with me the entire time--through all the stressful freak-out sessions because of everything--through all of it.

My resolution this year is merely to become a stronger Christian. But there is nothing "mere" about that, is there? It's a big thing. Living my life to glorify God and making Him my first priority is nothing small, and unfortunately, it's not very easy for me either. But He is mighty, and very able to come to my aid. So, may the Lord continue my sanctification and bring me closer to Him. May I do my best in everything for His glory and in doing such strengthen my relationship with Him.

God bless you guys. Have an excellent new year!

"Slow down, you're doing fine! You can't be everything you want to be before your time."

Billy Joel--Vienna

Stranded

Here I sit, on a big, red couch, awaiting my Anatomy & Physiology final.

Here I sit, slightly concerned that I may not make it home from school tonight due to an expected ice storm.

Here I sit, contemplating the joyousness of my upcoming weekend and Christmas break.

Here I sit, wishing I could actually be lying down and sleeeeeping . . . in my bed and finished with finals.

Here's to the final push. Cheers!

Bring on the Hot Chocolate!

It's wintery days like today that fill my heart with bliss and remind me of my snowy childhood winters spent trudging around the northern woods.

The Christmas tree is up; the nativity scene is carefully set out on top of the piano; cutout snowflakes are taped to the windows; candles with pinecones and pine needles around them are on the island in the kitchen; and snow is falling steadily outside. Soon Christmas music will play, gifts will accumulate under the tree and Christmas cookies will be baked and frosted.

If I wasn't supposed to be studying for finals right now, I'd be outside in the snow, celebrating the white fluffiness of winter (for the short span of time that this snow actually lasts). I would build a snow family and have snowball fights and make snow angels. I would have time to soak in the Christmas feeling that I love. You know what I'm talking about, right? That feeling when you just know it's Christmas. You can feel it. It's a feeling of joy and togetherness that comes every year. Smells, tastes, feelings, sounds . . . . they all bring back memories of this time of year.

Hmmm. God is so good to us. I am so glad that he has blessed us with traditions, family, snow, and the beauty of eternal life through Jesus Christ, our risen, loving Savior.

Let's remember God's goodness and love (as we always should).

Childhood Dreams

Today I was thinking about college (I am pursuing a career in dental hygiene), and it got me thinking about what I wanted to be growing up. I have changed my mind so many times, but surprisingly, I still have similar dreams as when I was younger.

My first career plan was to become a nurse. For birthdays my parents would get me pretend doctor kits, which I would practice with for hours on my sisters. One year for my birthday Pappy gave me a real stethoscope--I was thrilled! Whenever someone was injured I would rush to there attention with band-aid in hand, ready to mend their wound. My mom called me "Nurse Nonie." Oh yes, I was going to be a nurse, and nothing was going to get in my way: it was my dream!

But then I suddenly developed an unreasonable fear of blood, thus ending my nursing dream and bringing about my new career option: teaching!

As passionate as I was about my medical profession I was ten times more into teaching (and fake office work). Mom and dad gave me a type writer and some old business supplies that they no longer needed, so I spend countless hours filling the note pads with "cursive" (which then consisted of scribbled gibberish), typing frantically on the machine and coming up with lesson plans for my usually non-existent students (sometimes I would make my sisters sit through my lessons--especially Gracie). This kept me busy for years. I even wore frumpy teacher-like clothes to school (which embarrassed Caitlin) and around the house. Some day I was going to be a teacher...and if I could figure out how to turn back time, I would be a teacher just like Anne, from Anne of Avenlee, and wear clothes just like her too! How exciting!

What has happened to my dreams? Did they purely disappear? Did all of that effort and passion go into things that I would grow to completely disregard?

While I may not be majoring in Elementary Education or Nursing, I have chosen to pursue a career in the medical field, thus helping people physically, and I also teach pre-school to kindergarden Sunday school class at my church. So no, all of my fervor didn't happen for no reason.

Also, even if I'm not pursuing teaching and nursing, all of the time I spend typing, keeping records, teaching dolls how to read and putting band-aids on family members was well worth it. I had a thrilling childhood, and I don't regret a minute of it!

And looking back, I also realize how much my parents have always encouraged me to pursue my dreams. They believe in me and support me and love me like no one else does. They have never had a problem with my eccentric ways which at some points really have been "out there."

So that being said, I'm really glad that I took time to remember the past tonight. So often I overlook how great my parents are. They really do love me so much, and that's really great!

Eventually I may write about some of my other ideas for my future. I think one of the most interesting things I can write about is my childhood, 'cause frankly, it was a lot more exciting to be a runaway orphan than sit through countless hours of Anatomy and Physiology and English.

Peace and Love.