Freedom: 2 Weeks and a Breath Away

Christmas break is so close that I can nearly taste it! Two and a half more weeks of grueling school work before the college world gets nearly a month of vacation.

Of course I cannot help but plan out my break during any spare moment I have and regularly imagine decorating the house with Christmas stuff. 

This is going to be a wonderful month. The smell of Christmas cookies and a pine tree; The dream of, yes, a white Christmas (it's okay to wish, isn't it?); Christmas shopping; That obnoxious Christmas music that I hate; Everlasting Christmas shopping; Biting cold that makes it necessary for me to wear amazing, wintery clothes . . . 

I would like to personally welcome in this beautiful month of December! Bring what you may, dear Beauty.

"Put lights on the tree (put them on the tree, put them on the tree), Put the ribbon on the wreath (put in on the wreath, put it on the wreath) . . ."
Sufjan Stevens-Put The Lights On The Tree

A Little Excited

I have nothing to write about.

That was a lie. I have plenty to write about, but none of it is interesting. If I told you about my life right now all I'd really be able to do is talk about work and school, and who wants to hear about that? I don't. It would just go on and on and probably make you as exhausted reading about it as it makes me trying to live it.

Oh, I guess there is this one tiny little thing.....JONNY'S HOME!! =) I cannot wait to see my dear cousin. I'm so excited!

"They love me like I was a brother, they protect me, listen to me . . . gave me sunshine: made me happy. Nice dream, nice dream . . ."
Radiohead-Nice Dream

"Memories make me want to go back there . . . "

"Do you guys hang out so much anymore?" asked my sister-in-law. I thought about the question for a second too long, and then answered, "Umm, we still hang out." I failed to mention that no, we don't hang out as much or that it is different than it used to be. That things have changed and I hate it. I avoided talking about the subject any further even though I had so much to say about it.

I didn't think such a simple question would cause so much pain. Pain from the memories. A sick realization that things really have changed and I don't know how to change them back. I miss it. I wish the memories would come back to life and be happening here and now. But trying to relive the past would just be awkward and that is a painful thing to realize.

Title taken from "Memories" by Weezer

Colossians 3:12-14 (NIV)

"As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

This passage is so unbelievably rich. It addresses so many different areas in my life. It's so entirely convicting and encouraging at the same time. As of right now I think this is my favorite Bible passage!

Thank you, God for blessing me so greatly by giving me your word. Thank you for showing me and convicting me of my sins. I pray that you would help me to repent of them. I pray that you would help me to truly be humble. Take away my sickening and overwhelming pride. Help me to be kind and gentle and patient. Lord, I want to be like you, please change my heart. Help me to forgive my brothers and sisters in Christ. Lord, don't let me hate your children, please don't let me live in bitterness against them! Help me to forgive as you forgave me! And God, help me to love. Help me to love my neighbors as you have loved me and to love you above anything or anyone else.

Color Games

The Competition

I'm not gonna lie, this is actually somewhat fun. I usually hate politics, but watching the numbers change is like watching some sort of high stakes game take place. Either "red" (reps) or "blue" (dems) will win, and everyone is enthusiastically cheering their team on. It's like those team games you play at camp--team competition, everyone works together for the better of their team. Every time I refresh the page the numbers have changed and things get more and more intense.

Avoiding Responsibility

I am sitting here trying to put off the inevitable and, unfortunately, necessary, as long I possibly can.

On Wednesday I have a huge test for Anatomy and Physiology, on Friday I have a play critique due in Intro to Theatre, Next Tuesday I have a really intense Lab practical, and next Wednesday I have a test in Intro to Theatre. This is a very small list of the things that I should be preparing for right now. But I'm not. I'm writing on here, checking e-mail, checking aim, thinking sadly about my freshly trashed room (thanks sisters), wishing I could sleep . . .

Why is it SO hard to focus? Why can't I just do what needs to be done like a real grown-up?

"In my head there's a Greyhound station, where I send my thoughts to far off destinations, so they may have a chance of finding a place where they're far more suited than here . . . "
Death Cab For Cutie-Soul Meets Body

Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27 (NIV)

Right now in Anatomy and Physiology we are learning about and memorizing the bones and muscles in the human body. It's so overwhelming and complex. There is SO much to learn.

The first thing I think is about is how hard this is! A&P is no walk in the park, for sure. It requires tons of studying, and then some more. It's hard to understand and probably at least half of the people who take it flunk out or drop the course. It's overwhelming, and only with God's help am I going to be able to pass this course.

But then the other thought, something much more overwhelming and completely amazing, is that God created this complex body of ours. Each muscle and each bone has a direct purpose and works perfectly for what God designed. It's so exciting to be learning about God's artwork and creation. What a blessing.

Last thought (and I really can't figure this one out): How, after studying the incredible and complex human body, can people believe in evolution? Or even simply not believe in God? 

Tears On My Face

Like the rhythmic push of the tide

The waves reach the shore, they hit, they collide.

Then leaving just as fast, they subside

I hope they'll come back another time

Each time they come their power grows stronger

Pushing further up shore, closer to the heart

The waves they're overwhelming, but how much longer?

Will they stay on this shore? Not tear me apart?

Beautiful waves. I beg them to stay

But all they'll do is keep pulling away.

Maybe I'll see those waves again some day, 

But for now, all I have left are these ocean tears on my face.

Yeah, so....when I have a lot on my mind and I'm having trouble sorting it out I write "songs." They all turn out pretty depressing (go figure :P). Really, it's just poetry because there is no music to them, but hopefully some day I'll put them to some lovely melancholy music so people can feel sad with me. ;-) This is the one I wrote tonight.

Hopeless?

First thing that comes to mind when I hear the word "politics"? Hatefulness.

Everyday I get home from school, look through the mail, and see numerous political flyers bashing this candidate or that. I'm tired of it. 

These disgraceful smear campaigns are not in any way convincing me to vote for anyone, and they certainly aren't glorifying to God.

I have lost most if not all hope in politics. I don't know how people can choose who to vote for when everybody out there is so perverse. 

Sigh.

"We don't shake hands, we shake our firsts. We're cannibals; we watch our brothers fall. We eat our own, the bones and all..."
Relient K-Down In Flames

Thoughts: Prayer, Encouragement, God Being in Control, etc.

God has really been showing me how awesome he is lately! I mean, not like he never has before, but I've just been very blessed with great Christian fellowship lately and really great times in prayer and reading the Bible.

I feel like God has brought a lot of people to me who need encouragement and prayer because I need to work on encouraging people and praying. It's very cool to me how God has a purpose for everything! Everything in my life is happening for a reason and because God wants it to happen. That's so comforting and encouraging. God is in control and God is able. 

Anyway, if you have anything on your heart or going on your life that you need prayer for please let me know (I can give you some contact information if you want to talk)! I would love to pray with and for you! I'm really starting to appreciate what a gift it is to talk to people and pray with them and would love to exercise this gift that God has given us more often and more freely.

Lots of love and God bless.


"Something's in the air tonight, the sky's alive with a burning light. You can mark my words, something's about to break.And I found myself in a bitter fight, while I've held your hand through the darkest night. Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon..."
Mat Kearney-Nothing Left To Lose

Fall--Synonymous to Beauty

Don't get me wrong, I love all seasons and most weather, but there is something unexplainable and special about fall. I can't tell if it's the heart full of memories and happy emotions from past falls, if it's the weather, if it's the apple everything, if it's the concerts and plays that seem to become more frequent, if it's the closeness that I feel to my friends during this time of year...? I'm pretty sure it's a combination of all. Whatever it is, it makes me so happy. I cannot imagine a better or more special season than fall. 

"You take away the old, show me the new and I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you..." 
Blue October-Calling You

No, thank you.

Let me begin by telling you that as a child one of my biggest dreams was to have my own bedroom. This dream never came true. For my entire childhood I shared a room with all of my sisters. When I became a teenager I shared a room with my older sister Caitlin. Was I never to have my own room to do with what I pleased? Would my poor dream never come true? Where was the justice? What a cruel world we live in.

I didn't think it would ever happen, but today Caitlin moved out, and guess what? I have my own room.

Not so fulfilling as I thought it would be. It's really very sad and lonely. I sit here on my king sized bed, yummy smelling, clean room completely rearranged, no sister telling me to get off the computer and go to bed. None of her clothes all over our bedroom. No overflowing closet stuffed full of my sisters crap that I put there because she wouldn't put it away. No one to talk to.

I didn't think this would be so sad, but it is. It is sad because it symbolizes growing up. I don't want to grow up. People move on with life. I can't accept that. I can't just move on with life and forget my past, forget all of my childhood and high school friends. It's too hard. It's too much to ask. I can't do it. 

But somehow everyone does, don't they? I don't understand. 

"I don't know why I feel so skinned alive. My thoughts are misguided and a little naive."

Radiohead-Myxomatosis