Broken

My heart hurts. It's broken. Finally.

For years I have been pushing my parents away. Because of distasteful childhood memories I was bitter, and refused to let them in on anything personal. I wanted to be independent. I didn't want to be told what to  do, or how to do it. I distanced myself from my parents, and, to a lesser extent, the rest of my family as well. I have been a complete jerk to them for years. I have worn invisible but obvious signs saying things like, "don't you dare ask me questions about that!" and "I'm old enough to make my own decisions, I don't need any rules!" The only message I've been giving my parents is to stay back. "Don't come close to me! You made mistakes when I was younger that I just can't forgive you for . . ." They tried desperately for years to be part of my life, but I wouldn't let them anywhere near me and my high and mighty independence.

What I didn't realize was that the "independence" that I was pushing so hard and so steadily for was nothing good. It was loneliness and an empty heart. I am living the consequences of my actions. I have acquired the freedom that I have striven for for years . . . and I hate it. I hate it like I never could have imagined.

I never thought that I would want to be be bossed around. I never thought that I'd want my mom to pry, or for dad to make rules. But not being told to clean the kitchen or get home at a special time kinda takes the family feeling out of my life (it's the sense of security--mom and dad are looking out for you; they know what's best). And my mom not prying (something I never thought I would want. Ever.) actually makes me feel sick. Every girl needs a mom to pry and a dad to make crazy rules. I've come to realize that without it you feel a little unloved and unprotected. You feel hurt and insecure.

I was thinking about this last night and on my drive home from school today. So heartbreaking . . . and so completely my fault. It hurts so much. All I want is for my parents to step in and make things better.

But I know that I have humble myself, apologize, and invite them back into my life. Let them know that I love them, and that I need them! They are so important, and that is something that I have never been willing to admit. Until now.

I LOVE MY PARENTS. AND I NEED THEM!!!

I am so brokenhearted right now that I feel sick. But I am rejoicing because God is opening my eyes to this putrid sin and He is changing my heart.

"The heart is a sad thing to lose in the throws of a fight . . ."
Caedmon's Call--Manner and Means

2011 . . . .

This is going to be another beautiful year!

Every year of my life seems to get more and more wonderful. I am slowly growing out of the person I hate and moving away from the problems I need to get over. I am moving into Christ-likeness and holiness. I have so much further to go, but it is really comforting to see God changing my life--to see God sanctifying me.

Peace & Love