The Poison of Pride

      Lately I have been letting all of my friends down--whether it's hurting them with my unwise, unthoughtful words, not spending any time with them, or tearing them apart with my actions--I've felt like a failure as a friend lately.

      Every time I turn around I've hurt another person without meaning to.

      This has been making me feel like crap--but how on earth do I change something that I'm not even doing intentionally?

      I finally took some time out this morning to spend with God--something that I've been ignoring lately because I've been "so busy," and really, if I admit, I've been thinking I can do everything on my own. I didn't "have time" for God. That makes me sick.

      So what God showed me is my pride--something He is continually having to convict me of, and something that I keep fully embracing again, over and over.

How pride? Well, my life was being lived in this order because I was busy and overwhelmed:


            Me--Most important, needs to figure everything out on my own.

            Others--Less important than me, but I still care about them.

            God--Last priority, not worshiped or trusted.


      That's idolatry, pride, disgusting, etc.

      It's time to start worshipping God, surrendering my life to Him, and living my life to honor Him once again. Time to stop thinking so highly and so much of myself, and to put my desires last.


      I'm praying that God will help me to stomp out the pride in my heart and to truly love Him and others. I cannot handle anything on my own--it's obvious that the only thing I'm capable of is messing things up and hurting people. I need God in order to figure things out and get through anything.

Careless Words

Ripped up his heart just to make mine whole

Didn't realize how much it would hurt

To see him hurting--it makes me sick

It was all about what I wanted, didn't stop to remember

He has feelings too, but making myself happy was the goal

Now I'm sick

Hardest thing I've ever watched, and I can't change it

Those words I said . . . they're here to stay

No matter what else I say they will never go away

Can't be replaced

Can't be changed

I've cried until I can't anymore

I've lied there silent on the floor

Can't bear that I've hurt him

Can't stand it is because of my selfish sin

Pressing on Anyways

I do not have time for a breakdown right now.

All I want to do is everything that I can't do, shouldn't do, or don't have time to do.

I need to get off my bed, wipe away the tears of self-pity, and go.

It's just so hard to make myself . . . . . . .

Guardian of My Heart

I thought with how tired I am I'd be able to sleep

But all I can do is think about how things used to be

Those friendships I held so dear, swore I'd never replace

They're gone now, and in my heart there's just this hurting, ugly space

Sure, I have new friends--people that make me smile

But that doesn't take back the memories or turn back the dial

Tonight I just want a time machine, to go back to my past

Relive all those memories, those friendships that didn't last.

Time, it just taunts me, won't let me have a choice

Sometimes I want to go back, but it says I have no voice

What I want, it doesn't matter, because it will never happen

I'm supposed to move on with life, if I don't like it, just keep acting

Growing up, it's not my favorite thing, it's not an easy life

Yeah, there's beauty still, but that doesn't dissolve all the inner strife

The regrets of past mistakes, or lack of self ambition

They haunt me like a ghost, fill my heart with inhibitions.

Tonight I just want to sleep, and to let go of these bad dreams

Of mistakes and things unchangeable--but in my heart they scream.

Worrying about the future, crying about the past

Neither of those things are feelings that anyone wants to last

I've got a future ahead of me, whether I like it or not

A beautiful canvas, it doesn't have a spot

So yeah, I'll make more mistakes, add them to my list

But tonight I'm going to get some sleep, stop this foolishness 

So God, please take these feelings of regret and fear

And please put in my heart a trust, the same one that's lead me here

You've been with me all this way, through the great and through the hard

And every step of the way you watch me and of my heart you will keep guard.

"This Be the Verse"

I'm sorry if this offends you. I personally think it's funny and somewhat true, so I felt like sharing it.

They f*** you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f***** up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

By: Philip Larkin

Walk Worthy of Your Calling

Are we living our lives in a way that's glorifying to the One who died to give us life?

A Little Too Random (sorry)

It's fall! It's fall! I love fall. I love everything about it. Everything.

I've realized what an incredible gift my brothers and sisters in Christ truly are lately. They have been confronting me about sins and encouraging me in my walk. I cannot express how grateful I am. Spiritually, I have grown so much in the last 3ish weeks; it has been awesome! How did it take me so long to realize what a gift my church family is?

School is insane right now. Really really insane. As in, I really shouldn't be spending time writing this right now. But I had to get my thoughts out. And God is really meeting me! Every once in a while I let myself get overwhelmed, but I try to look at this as an exciting challenge. It's kind of fun when I look at it the right way. It's like fitting a huge, impossible seeming puzzle together in a certain amount of time--there's something thrilling about it. One step at a time with lots of prayer and English Tea to soothe.

That's not to say that I won't be extremely happy when I have a little breathing time again though. =)

But in the mean time, I have brothers and sisters holding me up in prayer before our Father. I have a God who loves me and is helping me. I have fresh fall air to breathe. I have lovely people to hug and talk to when I'm having a hard time.

Life is so beautiful! So so very beautiful.

Do You Know How Loved You Are?

For the past few weeks I've been struggling a lot with depression.

I wrote last week about how depressed I was the night before I started school, and how silly I felt about it afterward. Well, let me tell you, the "silliness" (if that's what it can really be called) did not end there like I was thinking it would. For the rest of the week my emotions raged out of control: silly and happy one minute, depressed and despairing the next. Needless to say, last week wasn't particularly pleasant.

Because I was so sad, I closed my heart and eyes to the people who were trying to show me love. I didn't even recognize it. I was blind to all of the ways that God has blessed me. I didn't even consider how much He loves me.

Over the weekend things seemed to shape up a little bit. Where did that depression go? Well, instead of finding comfort in God and fighting depression with Joy and God's strength, I was able to ignore it for a few days because I didn't have the stress of homework on my shoulders and I got to see and talk to the person that I wanted to.

So everything was all better, yeah? Ehh. That's what I was thinking until this morning.

Then I started to feel the same sadness sweep over me that was there last week--I was thinking about what this next week would bring and beginning to think that it would be like last week.

And that's when Lydia Martin walks into the kitchen and randomly says, "Do you know how loved you are?" Then walks out, leaving me to actually consider her question.

And you know what? The words that little girl said could not have been more perfect or convicting. Through her, God told me exactly what I needed to hear. I am SO loved! All of the people are around me care about me. I have tons of people praying for me. I get all kinds of warm, loving hugs whenever I'm around my brothers and sisters in Christ, and sincere questions about how I am doing and what's going on in my life. And to top that off, Christ loved me so much that He suffered and died for me!!!!! I'm part of God's family, and if that doesn't totally fill my heart with joy, then nothing will.

I am so loved, and it's an incredible thing.

He Makes Me Smile

•His smile makes me smile.
•His silliness makes me laugh.
•When he tries to cheer me up he always succeeds.
•He comforts me when I'm having a hard time, and he's the best listener I have ever talked to.
•He plays along with my ridiculousness and laughs when I'm silly.
•He is very encouraging.
•He is patient.
•He is insanely sweet.
•He's an excellent example of Christlike behavior.
•He refuses to believe that I'm not good at everything.
•He worries about me and always wants me to be safe and okay.
•He gets along with everyone.
•He's responsible.
•He is humble.
•He can do flips!
•He's original.
•He treats me as an equal and respects my opinions and supports my decisions.
•He never brags (ever).
•Sometimes I want to scream because just being with him or talking to him makes me so happy.
•He never speaks badly of people.
•He has beautiful eyes.
•Whenever he makes mistakes or thinks that he's made a mistake he is quick to humbly apologize and ask for forgiveness and make a change.
•He's good at everything he tries.
•He's the most easy going person I've ever met.
•He has a beautiful voice.
•I can talk to him about anything and he's open with me too.
•He's awesome (the real kind) at playing guitar.
•He accepts me for who I am and never judges me.
•He gives the greatest hugs in the world.

My best friend is the greatest in the world, I'm absolutely convinced of it. ^_^

I'm so thankful that God has blessed me with him.



"You take away the old and show me the new, I feel like I could fly when I stand next to you."
Blue October--"Calling You"

First Day Back

Last night I had a bit of a physical and mental meltdown. I felt awful and was also letting anything negative in my life grow from something little into something huge and take over my thoughts. I was so depressed and tired and in pain. Needless to say, last night was somewhat miserable.

Then I woke up this morning and went to my first day back at school. It felt really good, too! I got to see my favorite school friends, and had a great first day back! All of my classes and my work went well and it was a beautiful day. And then the best part: I got to talk to my best friend, who I'd decided last night I'd never get to talk to once school started because our schedules are so opposite (one of the bigger reasons I was all mopey) . . .

Now, when I think about today, I feel pretty silly about last night. I wish I was an optimist. Or even a realist. But really, if I let myself, I can be a ridiculously ungrateful pessimist who decides everything in the world is terrible even though she's crazy blessed by God and has an incredible life. Goodness, I'm pathetic sometimes . . . most times.

Camp Barnabas

I spent July 31 through August 7 in Purdy, Missouri at Camp Barnabas, a camp for kids who are disabled. It was such an incredible week, in which I learned to give myself completely and love unconditionally. The huge lesson that God taught me while I was there is that "love is patient, love is kind . . . it is not self-seaking." (I Corinthians 13:4,5)

This is "B2," my cabin. All of the crazy people in the back row? They're my Barnabas family, and they were all amazing. Throughout the week we were able to help and encourage each other so much. It was such a blessing to help others and to be helped. It was also great to talk to and get to know each one of them! The adorable kids in the front are the precious people that my family and I were responsible for taking care of and loving all week--and they were incredible blessings to all of us, helping us to grow and learn how to love.

This is inside of our cabin (the girls stayed in another cabin called the "Barnabunk" at night). Our kids had various disabilities ranging from Cerebral Palsy, to Shaken Baby Syndrome, to Autism and Downs Syndrome, to a bunch of others things that I can't remember. 

My kid's name was Daniel ("Dan-Dan"), and he was adorable! He was 9 years old and he had a mix of Cerebral Palsy and mental retardation and a couple of other things. He could say "mama," and he could crawl, but besides that he didn't talk or communicate with me and because he couldn't walk he had to use a wheelchair. Even though he didn't really respond to people, he loved how different things felt and sounded. He had a lot of squishy and noisy toys that he loved to play with.

Each CIA (which is what I was) is assigned one camper for the week. We are responsible for everything for these kids for the entire week. Clothing, feeding, bathing, putting them to bed, helping them with activities, changing their diapers, etc. It's a huge, important, and tiring job. Because I was a girl taking care of a boy though, the changing and bathing were done for me by different guy CIA's in my cabin (they were so helpful all week and I am still so thankful for their help!).

There were tons of different activities available for the campers, and each cabin was assigned three per day, and then given an open activity time called "OATS," where they chose their own activity. All in all, our cabin had four activities a day for the kids to participate in. Dan-Dan's favorite activity, by far, was swimming! His joy while being splashed in the face was such a beautiful thing! He would just lie in the water with his eyes closed and the most precious smile on his face. His happiness made me happy.

"Chill"

Relaxed. Peaceful. Happy. Content. Soothed.
Maybe a little sleepy too ;)

The amazing smell of honeysuckle (gasp) . . . 

The gentle blow of my fan . . . 

The deliciousness of chocolate (sigh) . . . 

and the beauty of Enya.

       So my night started out with an amazing time of prayer with my sisters in Christ, Cindy and Abella. We shared requests and encouragements in our small group and then brought our needs and praises to God. I love prayer meeting at church so much--there's not much that can be better or more encouraging. Prayer is so . . . special and great! 

       After we finished praying I got to spend time with my favorite person, and a few other people that I really love: happiness and joy!

       Then I came home, ate tofu deliciousness, drank lemon iced tea amazingness, and decided to relax. The pictures above are of what the rest of my evening has been: chill (and great!)

Life Stuff

       So there's kind of a lot going on in my life right now, and none of it has to do with a busy schedule. It all has to do with my heart and my personal life, I guess. And it's so easy to be overwhelmed by it all. In fact, I'm trying to think of how I want to write this post so it will make sense, and I'm having a lot of trouble sorting out all of my thoughts.

       I guess I'll start with the physical. For most of my teenage life I've had sleep insomnia. I'm very used to restless nights--staring that the ceiling until 3:30 am every morning. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Wishing I could sleep because I'm so tired, but being unable to. If you've ever had this problem you know as well as I do that it only gets worse the harder you try to sleep. Sigh. So for a while I wasn't having as much trouble with it, in fact, I was falling asleep around 1:00, which is really early for me. But in the last two weeks it's come back. It's 3:00 am right now, and I'm nowhere close to falling asleep.

       And the other thing that's huge on my heart right now is putting God first. In every single area of my life. In general this is a bit of a struggle--it's hard to focus on God like I should. But what makes it even worse is when I want something a lot that I can't have and glorify God at the same time. Turning something into an idol because I'm letting it compete with me glorifying God. Right now, I want something, and I personally don't consider it a sin, so I've been letting my self slip into it little by little. So . . . what's the problem? Oh, it's this little thing called respecting and honoring parents. They are responsible for me. They love me. They are in charge of looking out for my best interest. God has commanded me to respect and obey them. I have agreed to abide by their rules in this instance and they trust me. Technically, I haven't really been breaking rules . . . but I've definitely been breaking the spirit of the rules and I know that they would not be pleased. I feel like I have lied to them, or tricked them, or something. God sees right through my excuses, and he's opened my heart to that in the last couple of days. So I've kind of got a big thing to change and deal with in my life. It's not going to be easy, and I'm kind of going to have to "rewind" somethings in my life right now--but I'm absolutely convinced that by honoring my parents I will be honoring God, and He will bless me and keep me from giving into the temptation of what I want to do. Goodness it's going to be hard though and sometimes it's going to hurt--so pray for me, please!

Peace & Love

Road Tripping

I've always loved traveling--it's exciting and new. You get to go all these places you've never gone before, and feel new things, and see different beautiful things that are shocking and great, and that you may never see again. Exciting and new things are kinda great.

So, last week my family and I went on vacation to the "Outer Banks," in North Carolina. It was basically like being on a huge island all week (except that it's technically a really long peninsula). It was really beautiful--kinda like something you'd imagine. We spent every day doing fun stuff and just chilling as a family (which like...never happens). We were two blocks away from the Ocean, so my sisters and I walked there and hung out a lot. And my parents are into..."exploring," so we did a LOT of driving around and checking out different things like old light houses and sand dunes (which are way cooler than they sound) and fishing ports and boardwalks and going "crabbing" (scary stuff ;P) and....yeah, we were really busy the whole time, actually. And it was fun.

But I sorta learned something new about myself (I'd already kinda figured this out though, I guess it was just especially obvious to me this week)....

I love being home.

I'm kind of ridiculously attached to my friends. All I could think about the whole week was how much I missed home and people. It was basically the longest week of my life. And that makes it sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not! It was really fun, and I definitely enjoyed myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as much as I loved being in a new, exciting place, doing cool things....I love being home a lot more. I kinda feel like one of those kids you take to a fancy restaurant and they order Macaroni & Cheese, ya know? I was in this gorgeous, humidity free place, chilling in the Atlantic Ocean (!!!) and doing nothing but having fun for a week, but all I really wanted was to be in Hartsville, seeing my friends and being hugged by them and the humid air.

Yeah.....so as cool and awe-inspiring as the world and its beauty are (cause really?? :O :O!!)....I'm not much of a world traveler, I guess. And it has nothing to do with location or scenery, just people. If I could take the people that I love with me, I'm pretty sure I could make a journey around the world without a second thought. =)

"Is this the place we used to love? Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?"
Keane--Somewhere Only We Know

!!!

Summer is here!

It's kind of shocking to me how good it feels to have a break after so much school. I knew it would be good, but I had no idea it would feel this amazing!

All of the sudden I actually have time to do things! I have time to help people out, to get stuff done besides school, to talk to my family, to do things with my friends. For once I've been using my time in the best ways, and I believe, glorifying God with what I'm doing--this is different from most summers, when I end up being lazy and selfish for three months. And I'm happy and energized, instead of crabby, overwhelmed, and tired.

Happy sigh.

Thank you Lord for summer!!! =)

Spread the Gospel!

"I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. Your love has given me great joy and encouragement because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints."
Philemon 1:6,7

"Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold."
II Corinthians 3:12

This is kind of like a follow up to my last post. God let me stumble upon these verses last night, and they were so perfect for what's been on my heart that I had to share them. =)

Say Something!!!!

Witnessing would be so easy if people would just do what they should!

That's what I tell myself. I tell myself that I'll talk to so-and-so about my faith if it comes up. I wait around for people to ask me about it instead of taking an initiative to talk to them about God.

But you know what? There is no time for me to be sitting around, waiting for non-believers to magically become interested in God without someone bringing it up. Sure, that would be great, and sometimes it does actually happen...but God wants me to be pro-active. He wants me to take a leap--even though it's scary.

In the end, I know that by doing something for God's kingdom I will not only be furthering it, but I will be growing closer to God and becoming more like him.

Sigh. Boldness is something I really need to work on. The truth of God is so great that I should be bursting forth with it. I should love my neighbors (and enemies) so much that I can't stop from telling them the Truth!

Thankfully, the place God has me in life right now offers daily opportunities to share His word and spread his truth and love. Now I just need to stop freaking out about it, trust God, and SAY SOMETHING. =)

Peace & Love

the crime of sleepiness

I hate being sad, therefore I hate being tired.

Eh. Follow my logic here for a second, then that last sentence may actually make a little sense.

When I'm tired I cannot think rationally. No matter how hard I try.

If I'm really tired before I go to bed, I cannot reason how much time I need in the morning to get ready, so I'll usually end up setting my alarm clock for over an hour before I really need to get up.

I get so depressed about everything because my brain will only let me focus on the sad things. Sometimes I'm just sad for no reason, and thinking about something that usually fills my heart with bliss fills it instead with doubt...but there's nothing to doubt, it's just there with no reason behind it, causing me distress.

I don't get it. It makes being tired really hard to deal with and still have a pleasant attitude.

I guess the positive side of things is when I'm not tired. I'm usually pretty optimistic--and once I get over my tiredness, or rest up, everything goes back to how it should be. I'm happy again. I can think about things reasonably. My gratuitous doubt and sadness are gone, and life is wonderful again.

peace & love

Realness is beautiful.

Fake flowers vs. Real flowers

It's a universal love: everyone loves flowers. 

But why? 

You can smell them and feel their soft petals. They aren't perfect; they have blemishes--but they are no less beautiful because of it. In fact, they are more treasured and more appreciated because they aren't going to last forever. Their beauty is genuine and special. We have to wait for them during the winter, and treasure them in the spring. Because they are real--that is why we love them so much.

So doesn't that make fake flowers pointless? I think so. Everything that's so beautiful about flowers--all of the realness--is taken away and replaced with plastic. You can't smell them; they aren't soft; they are "too" perfect; and what's special about something that's always there and completely flawless? What is special about being artificial?

I was thinking about all of this while on a walk earlier today (after picking some beautiful springy daffodils) and it struck me: people are like flowers! 

Be real! Being "real," being yourself . . . that's what makes you beautiful and special. Not looking perfect all the time. Being flawless (caking yourself in make-up, spending hours on your hair, worrying about being popular or cool) is not going to make you amazing. It's our hearts and our attitudes that make us beautiful or ugly. We should be focused on glorifying God with out actions and words and attitudes. We should be worshiping God with all that we do. This is true beauty.

Just like everyone loves real flowers, people like real people and real girls! 

And physically, God created you exactly how he wants you to be. You are beautiful--stop saying and thinking that you are not. You are special and worth waiting for, just like flowers in the spring (so as a side note, please never lower your standards for a guy because you don't think you're good enough. You are!).

Be yourself. Don't stress about not looking "perfect." It's okay if you have pimples, or crazy hair, or a little extra weight, or any other so called flaw. God created you, just like he created the beautiful flowers that we admire--except you were created in His image, which is way more special and beautiful than flowers. 

Peace & Love

General Update?

God is so good and faithful. Me on the other hand? Not so much.

But that's part of why His forgiveness and love is so completely beautiful--because I can never, for one second, "deserve" it. I am stunned, but I wish I was more stunned. I pray that God will be more real to me every day, and that I will be falling in love with who He is. 

So that's definitely been on my mind. A lot.

And a quick little update on my life:

This semester has been excellent! All of my classes and teachers are really great and I've been enjoying school and learning so much. My schedule actually allows me to be home, too! So I get to see my family more, and that has really helped me grow closer to them and has had some amazing impact on relationships (especially with the parents!).

I don't have really any other updates besides school--it's a little life consuming. But I would really appreciate prayer. First, just prayer for relationships, with God, parents, siblings, etc. That I would have my priorities straight, and that I would not idolize myself, or others. And the second is just for decisions and direction in general. I'm switching majors, and probably switching schools, so I really need wisdom there. There's also some other big stuff going on in my life that's more private, so prayer for that too.

I would love to pray for you too. Yes, you! I'm serious. If you're reading this, feel free to share any prayer requests. I would love to be able to encourage you and to bring your problems, praises or concerns before our great God! He loves to listen to us! And, He promises to meet us!

Peace and Love

Broken

My heart hurts. It's broken. Finally.

For years I have been pushing my parents away. Because of distasteful childhood memories I was bitter, and refused to let them in on anything personal. I wanted to be independent. I didn't want to be told what to  do, or how to do it. I distanced myself from my parents, and, to a lesser extent, the rest of my family as well. I have been a complete jerk to them for years. I have worn invisible but obvious signs saying things like, "don't you dare ask me questions about that!" and "I'm old enough to make my own decisions, I don't need any rules!" The only message I've been giving my parents is to stay back. "Don't come close to me! You made mistakes when I was younger that I just can't forgive you for . . ." They tried desperately for years to be part of my life, but I wouldn't let them anywhere near me and my high and mighty independence.

What I didn't realize was that the "independence" that I was pushing so hard and so steadily for was nothing good. It was loneliness and an empty heart. I am living the consequences of my actions. I have acquired the freedom that I have striven for for years . . . and I hate it. I hate it like I never could have imagined.

I never thought that I would want to be be bossed around. I never thought that I'd want my mom to pry, or for dad to make rules. But not being told to clean the kitchen or get home at a special time kinda takes the family feeling out of my life (it's the sense of security--mom and dad are looking out for you; they know what's best). And my mom not prying (something I never thought I would want. Ever.) actually makes me feel sick. Every girl needs a mom to pry and a dad to make crazy rules. I've come to realize that without it you feel a little unloved and unprotected. You feel hurt and insecure.

I was thinking about this last night and on my drive home from school today. So heartbreaking . . . and so completely my fault. It hurts so much. All I want is for my parents to step in and make things better.

But I know that I have humble myself, apologize, and invite them back into my life. Let them know that I love them, and that I need them! They are so important, and that is something that I have never been willing to admit. Until now.

I LOVE MY PARENTS. AND I NEED THEM!!!

I am so brokenhearted right now that I feel sick. But I am rejoicing because God is opening my eyes to this putrid sin and He is changing my heart.

"The heart is a sad thing to lose in the throws of a fight . . ."
Caedmon's Call--Manner and Means

2011 . . . .

This is going to be another beautiful year!

Every year of my life seems to get more and more wonderful. I am slowly growing out of the person I hate and moving away from the problems I need to get over. I am moving into Christ-likeness and holiness. I have so much further to go, but it is really comforting to see God changing my life--to see God sanctifying me.

Peace & Love