Hmmmm

     I'm sitting on my roof right now, listening to beautiful music (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEZ-m61dBKY&feature=youtu.be) and being really, really happy about the 70ish degree weather.

     I'm drinking my first attempt at homemade chai (the fact that I finally learned how to make it will save a lot of money . . . I drink a lot of chai. Because it is delicious), about to start on homework. Lots of it. And studying for finals, which are this week.

     But right now I'm kind of just embracing the moment and realizing how beautiful my life is. Spring tends to encourage such thoughts.

     I'm thinking about: actually trying to really learn piano (why sit around wishing I could and feeling sorry for myself because I suck?), and about making a really cool rain drop quilt, and about the fact that there is a good chance that I'll be married some day . . . I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

     Married women kind of need to know how to cook. Married women get to decorate houses! Married women have to grow up and do things for themselves. Married women have to be humble and love others more than themselves. Married women have to be willing to submit to their husbands.

     I've been seeing that right now I would be a terrible wife. There are so many things I need to change or work on.

     I am so selfish . . . and I am realizing that selfish people don't have great marriages--they have lousy ones. Being married and having a beautiful marriage is not easy . . . at all. It is really scary. But it still sounds awfully wonderful.

     I hope I get married. I hope God will help me to actually be an okay wife. I hope I get to spend the rest of my life in love with my husband. I hope I get to decorate my own house, and make crafty things, and have kids that I get to dress in cool clothes.

     I'm kind of excited to see where God takes me. However, I'm also very content where I am right now. I refuse to decide that I'm getting married. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll live to be a single old lady. Maybe I'll die tomorrow. I've realized that whatever happens though, all I "need" is God. He loves me more than I can ever comprehend, and He always will.

     If I'm not pleased with what God has given me now then I will never be happy. Yes, I really want to get married and have kids. I always have. But we will see. It is very fun to dream about it though :) And all of those things that I need to work on if I'm ever going to be a decent wife are also things that I need to change in order to grow closer to God and treat others with love.

The End.

Separation

Oh, there are so many things to talk about. I'll just pick one though, to save anyone who may actually be reading this from boredom induced page exiting. Heh.

Anyway.

The last few weeks I had been fighting against my conscience--against the Holy Spirit.

There were two sins that I wasn't willing to give up:

•Bitterness against someone who had hurt me and apologized and
•Not honoring my parents

Excuses for Bitterness: "He shouldn't have been such a jerk; he really hurt my feelings," or "I just don't want to talk to him," or "If he gets to ignore me, then I get to ignore him."

Excuses for Dishonor: "It's not that big of a deal," or "I don't think what I'm doing is 'wrong,'" or "No, they wouldn't like it . . . but I REALLY want to do it and I don't think it's sinful."

And so forth.

These sins were definitely separating me from God--and I knew that whether I wanted to admit it or not. Whenever I tried to pray I couldn't because I knew that I was being hypocritical--how can i pray to God while trying to lie to Him and myself that my sin wasn't really 'that bad'? I can't honor God while dishonoring my parents and I can't expect to be forgiven if I'm not willing to forgive.

The separation from God finally made me feel so sick and heavy hearted that my only option was to surrender--to actually admit that what I was doing was sin and to stop. I was finally willing to admit that I was being Jonah (running from what I knew was right).

So while I was reading in Hebrews this week, and all of these great verses came up, I decided I just had to share them and my umm....story:

3:1 "Set your eyes on Jesus."
3:7-8 "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts."
3:10 "Their hearts are always going astray."
3:12-13 "See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."
4:12-13 "For the word of God . . . judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him whom we must give account."

No matter how I try to justify my sin or live in denial it doesn't change that it sin IS sin and that God is never deceived.

I'm so thankful for forgiveness though! Even though I mess up all the time God is always willing to forgive me! And Jesus will help me to overcome these problems that I have:

2:18 "Because [Jesus] himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."