My heart hurts. It's broken. Finally.
For years I have been pushing my parents away. Because of distasteful childhood memories I was bitter, and refused to let them in on anything personal. I wanted to be independent. I didn't want to be told what to do, or how to do it. I distanced myself from my parents, and, to a lesser extent, the rest of my family as well. I have been a complete jerk to them for years. I have worn invisible but obvious signs saying things like, "don't you dare ask me questions about that!" and "I'm old enough to make my own decisions, I don't need any rules!" The only message I've been giving my parents is to stay back. "Don't come close to me! You made mistakes when I was younger that I just can't forgive you for . . ." They tried desperately for years to be part of my life, but I wouldn't let them anywhere near me and my high and mighty independence.
What I didn't realize was that the "independence" that I was pushing so hard and so steadily for was nothing good. It was loneliness and an empty heart. I am living the consequences of my actions. I have acquired the freedom that I have striven for for years . . . and I hate it. I hate it like I never could have imagined.
I never thought that I would want to be be bossed around. I never thought that I'd want my mom to pry, or for dad to make rules. But not being told to clean the kitchen or get home at a special time kinda takes the family feeling out of my life (it's the sense of security--mom and dad are looking out for you; they know what's best). And my mom not prying (something I never thought I would want. Ever.) actually makes me feel sick. Every girl needs a mom to pry and a dad to make crazy rules. I've come to realize that without it you feel a little unloved and unprotected. You feel hurt and insecure.
I was thinking about this last night and on my drive home from school today. So heartbreaking . . . and so completely my fault. It hurts so much. All I want is for my parents to step in and make things better.
But I know that I have humble myself, apologize, and invite them back into my life. Let them know that I love them, and that I need them! They are so important, and that is something that I have never been willing to admit. Until now.
I LOVE MY PARENTS. AND I NEED THEM!!!
I am so brokenhearted right now that I feel sick. But I am rejoicing because God is opening my eyes to this putrid sin and He is changing my heart.
"The heart is a sad thing to lose in the throws of a fight . . ."
Caedmon's Call--Manner and Means
This almost made me cry. Way to be brutally honest about yourself. Don't let this sit! Talk to your parents ASAP! I'll pray for you...
ReplyDeleteYeah...it's pretty sad stuff. Thanks so much for your prayers. Things are working out really beautifully though, and our relationship is definitely on the mend. =)
ReplyDeletehmm.....love hearing this. i've been praying for you about that for the last couple years. but be patient - relationships take time to heal.
ReplyDeletethat's my wisdom for the day... ;)