The Indecision of a Busy Soul

      The world is so vast; all of the things we could learn are unbelievable. But how much of it do we actually take the time to learn and discover?

     I never really cared before about all of the things that I could learn--probably because I was lazy. But the last few weeks I have felt suffocated; there is so much that I want to do and so much that I want to learn. Right now I'm a full time student, who works 25-35 hours a week, and sometimes I feel like the world is trying to steal my life from me, or reduce its quality somehow. I don't have enough time for . . . anything, it seems. I don't feel like I can put 100% into anything that I'm doing because I'm spread so thin. But I really want to! And I'm really trying to . . . and somehow I've convinced myself that I can--that it's just going to take a little more time (you know, that thing I don't seem to have?).

     Even the subjects that I'm taking beg to be examined closer, to be embraced and appreciated and understood. As I sat at Taco Bell, doing my Chemistry homework and filling out my lab book, I wished I could really take the time to grasp the concepts while I also longed to be studying French. As I sat in French class this morning I wished I had time to practice piano. As I go to work in a few minutes, I wish I could be reading my American Popular Culture, and writing down my thoughts about the articles I've had to read.

     The point is, there is so much that I want to do and that I want to learn, and it's so frusterating that I don't actually have the time. But, disturbingly, the busyness is also giving me somewhat of a high. There is something about it that I just love and hate ever being away from. It feels so purposeful and right.

      This is absolutely one of the strongest love/hate relationships that I have experienced.

I think about quitting my job--but there's something about work that's so fulfulling and good.

I think about graduation in the spring and think, "No! I want to take all of these classes! I want to learn more! I don't want to stop. I don't want to be bored."

      I don't know what to think, really. I'm not sure how to wrap my brain around the present and get all from it that I can. But that's just it--that's what I need to do. The most fulfilling thing that I can do is to focus on the now and get the most out of it that I can instead of dwelling on the things that I can't do.

     But those things sound so wonderful . . . .