Life Stuff

       So there's kind of a lot going on in my life right now, and none of it has to do with a busy schedule. It all has to do with my heart and my personal life, I guess. And it's so easy to be overwhelmed by it all. In fact, I'm trying to think of how I want to write this post so it will make sense, and I'm having a lot of trouble sorting out all of my thoughts.

       I guess I'll start with the physical. For most of my teenage life I've had sleep insomnia. I'm very used to restless nights--staring that the ceiling until 3:30 am every morning. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Wishing I could sleep because I'm so tired, but being unable to. If you've ever had this problem you know as well as I do that it only gets worse the harder you try to sleep. Sigh. So for a while I wasn't having as much trouble with it, in fact, I was falling asleep around 1:00, which is really early for me. But in the last two weeks it's come back. It's 3:00 am right now, and I'm nowhere close to falling asleep.

       And the other thing that's huge on my heart right now is putting God first. In every single area of my life. In general this is a bit of a struggle--it's hard to focus on God like I should. But what makes it even worse is when I want something a lot that I can't have and glorify God at the same time. Turning something into an idol because I'm letting it compete with me glorifying God. Right now, I want something, and I personally don't consider it a sin, so I've been letting my self slip into it little by little. So . . . what's the problem? Oh, it's this little thing called respecting and honoring parents. They are responsible for me. They love me. They are in charge of looking out for my best interest. God has commanded me to respect and obey them. I have agreed to abide by their rules in this instance and they trust me. Technically, I haven't really been breaking rules . . . but I've definitely been breaking the spirit of the rules and I know that they would not be pleased. I feel like I have lied to them, or tricked them, or something. God sees right through my excuses, and he's opened my heart to that in the last couple of days. So I've kind of got a big thing to change and deal with in my life. It's not going to be easy, and I'm kind of going to have to "rewind" somethings in my life right now--but I'm absolutely convinced that by honoring my parents I will be honoring God, and He will bless me and keep me from giving into the temptation of what I want to do. Goodness it's going to be hard though and sometimes it's going to hurt--so pray for me, please!

Peace & Love

Road Tripping

I've always loved traveling--it's exciting and new. You get to go all these places you've never gone before, and feel new things, and see different beautiful things that are shocking and great, and that you may never see again. Exciting and new things are kinda great.

So, last week my family and I went on vacation to the "Outer Banks," in North Carolina. It was basically like being on a huge island all week (except that it's technically a really long peninsula). It was really beautiful--kinda like something you'd imagine. We spent every day doing fun stuff and just chilling as a family (which like...never happens). We were two blocks away from the Ocean, so my sisters and I walked there and hung out a lot. And my parents are into..."exploring," so we did a LOT of driving around and checking out different things like old light houses and sand dunes (which are way cooler than they sound) and fishing ports and boardwalks and going "crabbing" (scary stuff ;P) and....yeah, we were really busy the whole time, actually. And it was fun.

But I sorta learned something new about myself (I'd already kinda figured this out though, I guess it was just especially obvious to me this week)....

I love being home.

I'm kind of ridiculously attached to my friends. All I could think about the whole week was how much I missed home and people. It was basically the longest week of my life. And that makes it sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not! It was really fun, and I definitely enjoyed myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as much as I loved being in a new, exciting place, doing cool things....I love being home a lot more. I kinda feel like one of those kids you take to a fancy restaurant and they order Macaroni & Cheese, ya know? I was in this gorgeous, humidity free place, chilling in the Atlantic Ocean (!!!) and doing nothing but having fun for a week, but all I really wanted was to be in Hartsville, seeing my friends and being hugged by them and the humid air.

Yeah.....so as cool and awe-inspiring as the world and its beauty are (cause really?? :O :O!!)....I'm not much of a world traveler, I guess. And it has nothing to do with location or scenery, just people. If I could take the people that I love with me, I'm pretty sure I could make a journey around the world without a second thought. =)

"Is this the place we used to love? Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?"
Keane--Somewhere Only We Know

!!!

Summer is here!

It's kind of shocking to me how good it feels to have a break after so much school. I knew it would be good, but I had no idea it would feel this amazing!

All of the sudden I actually have time to do things! I have time to help people out, to get stuff done besides school, to talk to my family, to do things with my friends. For once I've been using my time in the best ways, and I believe, glorifying God with what I'm doing--this is different from most summers, when I end up being lazy and selfish for three months. And I'm happy and energized, instead of crabby, overwhelmed, and tired.

Happy sigh.

Thank you Lord for summer!!! =)

Spread the Gospel!

"I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. Your love has given me great joy and encouragement because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints."
Philemon 1:6,7

"Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold."
II Corinthians 3:12

This is kind of like a follow up to my last post. God let me stumble upon these verses last night, and they were so perfect for what's been on my heart that I had to share them. =)

Say Something!!!!

Witnessing would be so easy if people would just do what they should!

That's what I tell myself. I tell myself that I'll talk to so-and-so about my faith if it comes up. I wait around for people to ask me about it instead of taking an initiative to talk to them about God.

But you know what? There is no time for me to be sitting around, waiting for non-believers to magically become interested in God without someone bringing it up. Sure, that would be great, and sometimes it does actually happen...but God wants me to be pro-active. He wants me to take a leap--even though it's scary.

In the end, I know that by doing something for God's kingdom I will not only be furthering it, but I will be growing closer to God and becoming more like him.

Sigh. Boldness is something I really need to work on. The truth of God is so great that I should be bursting forth with it. I should love my neighbors (and enemies) so much that I can't stop from telling them the Truth!

Thankfully, the place God has me in life right now offers daily opportunities to share His word and spread his truth and love. Now I just need to stop freaking out about it, trust God, and SAY SOMETHING. =)

Peace & Love

the crime of sleepiness

I hate being sad, therefore I hate being tired.

Eh. Follow my logic here for a second, then that last sentence may actually make a little sense.

When I'm tired I cannot think rationally. No matter how hard I try.

If I'm really tired before I go to bed, I cannot reason how much time I need in the morning to get ready, so I'll usually end up setting my alarm clock for over an hour before I really need to get up.

I get so depressed about everything because my brain will only let me focus on the sad things. Sometimes I'm just sad for no reason, and thinking about something that usually fills my heart with bliss fills it instead with doubt...but there's nothing to doubt, it's just there with no reason behind it, causing me distress.

I don't get it. It makes being tired really hard to deal with and still have a pleasant attitude.

I guess the positive side of things is when I'm not tired. I'm usually pretty optimistic--and once I get over my tiredness, or rest up, everything goes back to how it should be. I'm happy again. I can think about things reasonably. My gratuitous doubt and sadness are gone, and life is wonderful again.

peace & love

Realness is beautiful.

Fake flowers vs. Real flowers

It's a universal love: everyone loves flowers. 

But why? 

You can smell them and feel their soft petals. They aren't perfect; they have blemishes--but they are no less beautiful because of it. In fact, they are more treasured and more appreciated because they aren't going to last forever. Their beauty is genuine and special. We have to wait for them during the winter, and treasure them in the spring. Because they are real--that is why we love them so much.

So doesn't that make fake flowers pointless? I think so. Everything that's so beautiful about flowers--all of the realness--is taken away and replaced with plastic. You can't smell them; they aren't soft; they are "too" perfect; and what's special about something that's always there and completely flawless? What is special about being artificial?

I was thinking about all of this while on a walk earlier today (after picking some beautiful springy daffodils) and it struck me: people are like flowers! 

Be real! Being "real," being yourself . . . that's what makes you beautiful and special. Not looking perfect all the time. Being flawless (caking yourself in make-up, spending hours on your hair, worrying about being popular or cool) is not going to make you amazing. It's our hearts and our attitudes that make us beautiful or ugly. We should be focused on glorifying God with out actions and words and attitudes. We should be worshiping God with all that we do. This is true beauty.

Just like everyone loves real flowers, people like real people and real girls! 

And physically, God created you exactly how he wants you to be. You are beautiful--stop saying and thinking that you are not. You are special and worth waiting for, just like flowers in the spring (so as a side note, please never lower your standards for a guy because you don't think you're good enough. You are!).

Be yourself. Don't stress about not looking "perfect." It's okay if you have pimples, or crazy hair, or a little extra weight, or any other so called flaw. God created you, just like he created the beautiful flowers that we admire--except you were created in His image, which is way more special and beautiful than flowers. 

Peace & Love

General Update?

God is so good and faithful. Me on the other hand? Not so much.

But that's part of why His forgiveness and love is so completely beautiful--because I can never, for one second, "deserve" it. I am stunned, but I wish I was more stunned. I pray that God will be more real to me every day, and that I will be falling in love with who He is. 

So that's definitely been on my mind. A lot.

And a quick little update on my life:

This semester has been excellent! All of my classes and teachers are really great and I've been enjoying school and learning so much. My schedule actually allows me to be home, too! So I get to see my family more, and that has really helped me grow closer to them and has had some amazing impact on relationships (especially with the parents!).

I don't have really any other updates besides school--it's a little life consuming. But I would really appreciate prayer. First, just prayer for relationships, with God, parents, siblings, etc. That I would have my priorities straight, and that I would not idolize myself, or others. And the second is just for decisions and direction in general. I'm switching majors, and probably switching schools, so I really need wisdom there. There's also some other big stuff going on in my life that's more private, so prayer for that too.

I would love to pray for you too. Yes, you! I'm serious. If you're reading this, feel free to share any prayer requests. I would love to be able to encourage you and to bring your problems, praises or concerns before our great God! He loves to listen to us! And, He promises to meet us!

Peace and Love

Broken

My heart hurts. It's broken. Finally.

For years I have been pushing my parents away. Because of distasteful childhood memories I was bitter, and refused to let them in on anything personal. I wanted to be independent. I didn't want to be told what to  do, or how to do it. I distanced myself from my parents, and, to a lesser extent, the rest of my family as well. I have been a complete jerk to them for years. I have worn invisible but obvious signs saying things like, "don't you dare ask me questions about that!" and "I'm old enough to make my own decisions, I don't need any rules!" The only message I've been giving my parents is to stay back. "Don't come close to me! You made mistakes when I was younger that I just can't forgive you for . . ." They tried desperately for years to be part of my life, but I wouldn't let them anywhere near me and my high and mighty independence.

What I didn't realize was that the "independence" that I was pushing so hard and so steadily for was nothing good. It was loneliness and an empty heart. I am living the consequences of my actions. I have acquired the freedom that I have striven for for years . . . and I hate it. I hate it like I never could have imagined.

I never thought that I would want to be be bossed around. I never thought that I'd want my mom to pry, or for dad to make rules. But not being told to clean the kitchen or get home at a special time kinda takes the family feeling out of my life (it's the sense of security--mom and dad are looking out for you; they know what's best). And my mom not prying (something I never thought I would want. Ever.) actually makes me feel sick. Every girl needs a mom to pry and a dad to make crazy rules. I've come to realize that without it you feel a little unloved and unprotected. You feel hurt and insecure.

I was thinking about this last night and on my drive home from school today. So heartbreaking . . . and so completely my fault. It hurts so much. All I want is for my parents to step in and make things better.

But I know that I have humble myself, apologize, and invite them back into my life. Let them know that I love them, and that I need them! They are so important, and that is something that I have never been willing to admit. Until now.

I LOVE MY PARENTS. AND I NEED THEM!!!

I am so brokenhearted right now that I feel sick. But I am rejoicing because God is opening my eyes to this putrid sin and He is changing my heart.

"The heart is a sad thing to lose in the throws of a fight . . ."
Caedmon's Call--Manner and Means

2011 . . . .

This is going to be another beautiful year!

Every year of my life seems to get more and more wonderful. I am slowly growing out of the person I hate and moving away from the problems I need to get over. I am moving into Christ-likeness and holiness. I have so much further to go, but it is really comforting to see God changing my life--to see God sanctifying me.

Peace & Love

Vienna Waits For You

Every time I notice the clock hitting 11:11, I make sure to make a wish. Glancing at the clock and seeing that lucky time has somehow been becoming more and more frequent. It is now a part of my daily ritual.

I know it's not real. But every day I make the same wish, and it's fun to believe that it may, some day, come true. =)

Okay, so besides that silliness. The year is almost over and I am very satisfied with my life during 2010. So much has happened in the last year. So many good things have filled up my life. My heart is full and I can't think of any big regrets from the last year. God has been with me the entire time--through all the stressful freak-out sessions because of everything--through all of it.

My resolution this year is merely to become a stronger Christian. But there is nothing "mere" about that, is there? It's a big thing. Living my life to glorify God and making Him my first priority is nothing small, and unfortunately, it's not very easy for me either. But He is mighty, and very able to come to my aid. So, may the Lord continue my sanctification and bring me closer to Him. May I do my best in everything for His glory and in doing such strengthen my relationship with Him.

God bless you guys. Have an excellent new year!

"Slow down, you're doing fine! You can't be everything you want to be before your time."

Billy Joel--Vienna

Stranded

Here I sit, on a big, red couch, awaiting my Anatomy & Physiology final.

Here I sit, slightly concerned that I may not make it home from school tonight due to an expected ice storm.

Here I sit, contemplating the joyousness of my upcoming weekend and Christmas break.

Here I sit, wishing I could actually be lying down and sleeeeeping . . . in my bed and finished with finals.

Here's to the final push. Cheers!

Bring on the Hot Chocolate!

It's wintery days like today that fill my heart with bliss and remind me of my snowy childhood winters spent trudging around the northern woods.

The Christmas tree is up; the nativity scene is carefully set out on top of the piano; cutout snowflakes are taped to the windows; candles with pinecones and pine needles around them are on the island in the kitchen; and snow is falling steadily outside. Soon Christmas music will play, gifts will accumulate under the tree and Christmas cookies will be baked and frosted.

If I wasn't supposed to be studying for finals right now, I'd be outside in the snow, celebrating the white fluffiness of winter (for the short span of time that this snow actually lasts). I would build a snow family and have snowball fights and make snow angels. I would have time to soak in the Christmas feeling that I love. You know what I'm talking about, right? That feeling when you just know it's Christmas. You can feel it. It's a feeling of joy and togetherness that comes every year. Smells, tastes, feelings, sounds . . . . they all bring back memories of this time of year.

Hmmm. God is so good to us. I am so glad that he has blessed us with traditions, family, snow, and the beauty of eternal life through Jesus Christ, our risen, loving Savior.

Let's remember God's goodness and love (as we always should).

Childhood Dreams

Today I was thinking about college (I am pursuing a career in dental hygiene), and it got me thinking about what I wanted to be growing up. I have changed my mind so many times, but surprisingly, I still have similar dreams as when I was younger.

My first career plan was to become a nurse. For birthdays my parents would get me pretend doctor kits, which I would practice with for hours on my sisters. One year for my birthday Pappy gave me a real stethoscope--I was thrilled! Whenever someone was injured I would rush to there attention with band-aid in hand, ready to mend their wound. My mom called me "Nurse Nonie." Oh yes, I was going to be a nurse, and nothing was going to get in my way: it was my dream!

But then I suddenly developed an unreasonable fear of blood, thus ending my nursing dream and bringing about my new career option: teaching!

As passionate as I was about my medical profession I was ten times more into teaching (and fake office work). Mom and dad gave me a type writer and some old business supplies that they no longer needed, so I spend countless hours filling the note pads with "cursive" (which then consisted of scribbled gibberish), typing frantically on the machine and coming up with lesson plans for my usually non-existent students (sometimes I would make my sisters sit through my lessons--especially Gracie). This kept me busy for years. I even wore frumpy teacher-like clothes to school (which embarrassed Caitlin) and around the house. Some day I was going to be a teacher...and if I could figure out how to turn back time, I would be a teacher just like Anne, from Anne of Avenlee, and wear clothes just like her too! How exciting!

What has happened to my dreams? Did they purely disappear? Did all of that effort and passion go into things that I would grow to completely disregard?

While I may not be majoring in Elementary Education or Nursing, I have chosen to pursue a career in the medical field, thus helping people physically, and I also teach pre-school to kindergarden Sunday school class at my church. So no, all of my fervor didn't happen for no reason.

Also, even if I'm not pursuing teaching and nursing, all of the time I spend typing, keeping records, teaching dolls how to read and putting band-aids on family members was well worth it. I had a thrilling childhood, and I don't regret a minute of it!

And looking back, I also realize how much my parents have always encouraged me to pursue my dreams. They believe in me and support me and love me like no one else does. They have never had a problem with my eccentric ways which at some points really have been "out there."

So that being said, I'm really glad that I took time to remember the past tonight. So often I overlook how great my parents are. They really do love me so much, and that's really great!

Eventually I may write about some of my other ideas for my future. I think one of the most interesting things I can write about is my childhood, 'cause frankly, it was a lot more exciting to be a runaway orphan than sit through countless hours of Anatomy and Physiology and English.

Peace and Love.

Freedom: 2 Weeks and a Breath Away

Christmas break is so close that I can nearly taste it! Two and a half more weeks of grueling school work before the college world gets nearly a month of vacation.

Of course I cannot help but plan out my break during any spare moment I have and regularly imagine decorating the house with Christmas stuff. 

This is going to be a wonderful month. The smell of Christmas cookies and a pine tree; The dream of, yes, a white Christmas (it's okay to wish, isn't it?); Christmas shopping; That obnoxious Christmas music that I hate; Everlasting Christmas shopping; Biting cold that makes it necessary for me to wear amazing, wintery clothes . . . 

I would like to personally welcome in this beautiful month of December! Bring what you may, dear Beauty.

"Put lights on the tree (put them on the tree, put them on the tree), Put the ribbon on the wreath (put in on the wreath, put it on the wreath) . . ."
Sufjan Stevens-Put The Lights On The Tree

A Little Excited

I have nothing to write about.

That was a lie. I have plenty to write about, but none of it is interesting. If I told you about my life right now all I'd really be able to do is talk about work and school, and who wants to hear about that? I don't. It would just go on and on and probably make you as exhausted reading about it as it makes me trying to live it.

Oh, I guess there is this one tiny little thing.....JONNY'S HOME!! =) I cannot wait to see my dear cousin. I'm so excited!

"They love me like I was a brother, they protect me, listen to me . . . gave me sunshine: made me happy. Nice dream, nice dream . . ."
Radiohead-Nice Dream

"Memories make me want to go back there . . . "

"Do you guys hang out so much anymore?" asked my sister-in-law. I thought about the question for a second too long, and then answered, "Umm, we still hang out." I failed to mention that no, we don't hang out as much or that it is different than it used to be. That things have changed and I hate it. I avoided talking about the subject any further even though I had so much to say about it.

I didn't think such a simple question would cause so much pain. Pain from the memories. A sick realization that things really have changed and I don't know how to change them back. I miss it. I wish the memories would come back to life and be happening here and now. But trying to relive the past would just be awkward and that is a painful thing to realize.

Title taken from "Memories" by Weezer

Colossians 3:12-14 (NIV)

"As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

This passage is so unbelievably rich. It addresses so many different areas in my life. It's so entirely convicting and encouraging at the same time. As of right now I think this is my favorite Bible passage!

Thank you, God for blessing me so greatly by giving me your word. Thank you for showing me and convicting me of my sins. I pray that you would help me to repent of them. I pray that you would help me to truly be humble. Take away my sickening and overwhelming pride. Help me to be kind and gentle and patient. Lord, I want to be like you, please change my heart. Help me to forgive my brothers and sisters in Christ. Lord, don't let me hate your children, please don't let me live in bitterness against them! Help me to forgive as you forgave me! And God, help me to love. Help me to love my neighbors as you have loved me and to love you above anything or anyone else.

Color Games

The Competition

I'm not gonna lie, this is actually somewhat fun. I usually hate politics, but watching the numbers change is like watching some sort of high stakes game take place. Either "red" (reps) or "blue" (dems) will win, and everyone is enthusiastically cheering their team on. It's like those team games you play at camp--team competition, everyone works together for the better of their team. Every time I refresh the page the numbers have changed and things get more and more intense.

Avoiding Responsibility

I am sitting here trying to put off the inevitable and, unfortunately, necessary, as long I possibly can.

On Wednesday I have a huge test for Anatomy and Physiology, on Friday I have a play critique due in Intro to Theatre, Next Tuesday I have a really intense Lab practical, and next Wednesday I have a test in Intro to Theatre. This is a very small list of the things that I should be preparing for right now. But I'm not. I'm writing on here, checking e-mail, checking aim, thinking sadly about my freshly trashed room (thanks sisters), wishing I could sleep . . .

Why is it SO hard to focus? Why can't I just do what needs to be done like a real grown-up?

"In my head there's a Greyhound station, where I send my thoughts to far off destinations, so they may have a chance of finding a place where they're far more suited than here . . . "
Death Cab For Cutie-Soul Meets Body

Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27 (NIV)

Right now in Anatomy and Physiology we are learning about and memorizing the bones and muscles in the human body. It's so overwhelming and complex. There is SO much to learn.

The first thing I think is about is how hard this is! A&P is no walk in the park, for sure. It requires tons of studying, and then some more. It's hard to understand and probably at least half of the people who take it flunk out or drop the course. It's overwhelming, and only with God's help am I going to be able to pass this course.

But then the other thought, something much more overwhelming and completely amazing, is that God created this complex body of ours. Each muscle and each bone has a direct purpose and works perfectly for what God designed. It's so exciting to be learning about God's artwork and creation. What a blessing.

Last thought (and I really can't figure this one out): How, after studying the incredible and complex human body, can people believe in evolution? Or even simply not believe in God? 

Tears On My Face

Like the rhythmic push of the tide

The waves reach the shore, they hit, they collide.

Then leaving just as fast, they subside

I hope they'll come back another time

Each time they come their power grows stronger

Pushing further up shore, closer to the heart

The waves they're overwhelming, but how much longer?

Will they stay on this shore? Not tear me apart?

Beautiful waves. I beg them to stay

But all they'll do is keep pulling away.

Maybe I'll see those waves again some day, 

But for now, all I have left are these ocean tears on my face.

Yeah, so....when I have a lot on my mind and I'm having trouble sorting it out I write "songs." They all turn out pretty depressing (go figure :P). Really, it's just poetry because there is no music to them, but hopefully some day I'll put them to some lovely melancholy music so people can feel sad with me. ;-) This is the one I wrote tonight.

Hopeless?

First thing that comes to mind when I hear the word "politics"? Hatefulness.

Everyday I get home from school, look through the mail, and see numerous political flyers bashing this candidate or that. I'm tired of it. 

These disgraceful smear campaigns are not in any way convincing me to vote for anyone, and they certainly aren't glorifying to God.

I have lost most if not all hope in politics. I don't know how people can choose who to vote for when everybody out there is so perverse. 

Sigh.

"We don't shake hands, we shake our firsts. We're cannibals; we watch our brothers fall. We eat our own, the bones and all..."
Relient K-Down In Flames

Thoughts: Prayer, Encouragement, God Being in Control, etc.

God has really been showing me how awesome he is lately! I mean, not like he never has before, but I've just been very blessed with great Christian fellowship lately and really great times in prayer and reading the Bible.

I feel like God has brought a lot of people to me who need encouragement and prayer because I need to work on encouraging people and praying. It's very cool to me how God has a purpose for everything! Everything in my life is happening for a reason and because God wants it to happen. That's so comforting and encouraging. God is in control and God is able. 

Anyway, if you have anything on your heart or going on your life that you need prayer for please let me know (I can give you some contact information if you want to talk)! I would love to pray with and for you! I'm really starting to appreciate what a gift it is to talk to people and pray with them and would love to exercise this gift that God has given us more often and more freely.

Lots of love and God bless.


"Something's in the air tonight, the sky's alive with a burning light. You can mark my words, something's about to break.And I found myself in a bitter fight, while I've held your hand through the darkest night. Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon..."
Mat Kearney-Nothing Left To Lose

Fall--Synonymous to Beauty

Don't get me wrong, I love all seasons and most weather, but there is something unexplainable and special about fall. I can't tell if it's the heart full of memories and happy emotions from past falls, if it's the weather, if it's the apple everything, if it's the concerts and plays that seem to become more frequent, if it's the closeness that I feel to my friends during this time of year...? I'm pretty sure it's a combination of all. Whatever it is, it makes me so happy. I cannot imagine a better or more special season than fall. 

"You take away the old, show me the new and I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you..." 
Blue October-Calling You

No, thank you.

Let me begin by telling you that as a child one of my biggest dreams was to have my own bedroom. This dream never came true. For my entire childhood I shared a room with all of my sisters. When I became a teenager I shared a room with my older sister Caitlin. Was I never to have my own room to do with what I pleased? Would my poor dream never come true? Where was the justice? What a cruel world we live in.

I didn't think it would ever happen, but today Caitlin moved out, and guess what? I have my own room.

Not so fulfilling as I thought it would be. It's really very sad and lonely. I sit here on my king sized bed, yummy smelling, clean room completely rearranged, no sister telling me to get off the computer and go to bed. None of her clothes all over our bedroom. No overflowing closet stuffed full of my sisters crap that I put there because she wouldn't put it away. No one to talk to.

I didn't think this would be so sad, but it is. It is sad because it symbolizes growing up. I don't want to grow up. People move on with life. I can't accept that. I can't just move on with life and forget my past, forget all of my childhood and high school friends. It's too hard. It's too much to ask. I can't do it. 

But somehow everyone does, don't they? I don't understand. 

"I don't know why I feel so skinned alive. My thoughts are misguided and a little naive."

Radiohead-Myxomatosis